Man from place called “Upnorth” still refusing to wear a shirt outside

SHELBYVILLE, Tenn. — Jerome Dixon, a 23-year-old systems analyst, is still refusing to wear a shirt outside, according to employees of Union Springs Bank where he works.

The recent transplant from a place he nostalgically calls “Upnorth” says that people here don’t know what cold really is.

“Ha,” Dixon cries upon seeing bank employees putting on parkas, scarfs and hats before going outside. “You wouldn’t even survive five minutes Upnorth, where I’m from.”

Staff have been avoiding making eye contact with Dixon when they see him outside near the entrance, out of fear the shirtless, blue-tinted northerner will scoff at them for shivering in the minus-23 degree weather.