The handlers of Madonna have announced that following a debilitating fall she took at the Brit Awards in London on Wednesday night, the 56-year-old pop star has been rendered useless, and consequently needs to be euthanized.
“The old girl has given us the best years of her life,” said talent manager Paul Larken. “But now that she’s broken her hips and bruised most of her ego, she’s in a heck of a lot of pain, so we’ve got to do the right thing.”
For years, advocacy groups have been calling for the aging star to be put out of her misery, pointing out that Madonna has been forced to perform for over 35 years straight. Regular slips and tumbles have taken a toll on the star’s fragile body, they argue.
“As we’ve said time and again, keeping Madonna alive is an act of cruelty, and there’s no reason why any pop singer beyond the age of 50 should be forced to strut around like a limber 22-year-old freshly arrived in New York,” said Autumn Wagner, spokesperson for the Humane Society. “The compassionate thing is to end her suffering, and to do it today.”
Madonna’s handlers are reassuring her fans by promising that the singer’s legacy will live on. In all future performances, they say, Madonna will be replaced by Lorde, her prized female offspring who is said to be just as good at dominating a stage while lip syncing and humping inanimate objects.