America, meet Trillary Hump, your next president.
Working in an abandoned laboratory at a discredited college in Oklahoma, a political scientist has successfully crossed presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump to create what experts are calling “the perfect, unstoppable freak.”
Nearly nine feet tall and weighing just under 600 pounds, the juggernaut will employ a potent combination of intimidation, flattery, demagoguery, and flat-out underhandedness to woo the vast swath of voters known as “the disgustingly uninformed,” according to Tad Elwood, its creator, who unveiled the monster during a TEDx event in Oklahoma City on Saturday.
“My creature doesn’t need to eat or drink because it’s entirely ego-driven,” Elwood said at the event attended by some 20,000 people who were lured in with promises of free balloons, a giant effigy burning and endless calls to put the country back on track.
“Trillary Hump stands for Main Street, for Wall Street, for the working classes, the upper classes, and for everyone in between,” Elwood said to wild cheering. “I promise you that if elected, Trillary Hump will take America back from itself — to give America back to itself.”
Trillary — who has not yet learned the nuances of delivering stump speeches — roared and leapt into the air, landing on all fours, almost breaking the stage.
Although the monster continuously exudes a foul odor from its butt and is known to spew acidic bile without warning, Elwood says that it will appeal to every voter who simply wants a leader skilled at pointing at others while shouting. Also, with a large hump on its back, Trillary can function as a water storage unit in case of drought.
“I hadn’t planned on attending this rally or whatever, but I was walking by and overheard a crowd being whipped into a fit of righteous indignation, so I thought I’d check it out,” said Samantha Zeeland, a real estate agent from Tulsa. “I’d have to say that I’m very impressed with the way this candidate has totally demonized everyone who’s not currently in the room.”
“Jump the Hump,” she was later observed chanting. “Jump the Hump.”
Despite having shot to the top of every major general election poll within hours of its unveiling, Hump is not impressing everyone. American Academy of Political Scientists president Stan Tuss-Kwo says that the country must take a stand against the engineering of mutant candidates, and he is pleading for Hump to be stopped before it devours all the remaining Democratic and Republican delegates and grows too powerful to be killed by leaders from either party.
“Trillary Hump represents an existential threat to our country and to our two-party system,” Tuss-Kwo said. “Yet somehow it has managed to convince everyone that it’s the sensible choice.”
“On second thought, now that I’ve heard Hump speak, I’m beginning to undestand the appeal,” he said. “Yes, Hump recognizes that I’m belittled and ignored by the ruling classes, but that I’m actually the heart and soul of this country, and that I should be afforded nothing less than the riches and glory I deserve.”
“Oh, most sanctimonious of populists, oh source of grand insults to your critics and granter of praise to your devoted following, may you continue to lavish me with magical buzzwords,” he added. “Trillary Hump for president, lest this nation fall.”
Elwood, who claims to have been secretly working on Hump since President Obama was reelected in 2012, is a disgraced academic who was kicked out of the AAPS more than 15 years ago. He allegedly conducted what some call “wicked” experiments on college freshmen, brainwashing them into voting for Green Party candidate Ralph Nader in 2000 by having them listen to continuous loops of Democratic candidate Al Gore snoring.