BILOXI, Miss. — Even though barely a day has passed since Thanksgiving, James Guinn, a 29-year-old sous chef, is already hard at work to ensure that no one in his circle of family and friends will be able to enjoy Christmas.
“My efforts to ruin Thanksgiving turned out better than expected,” Guinn said. “I think my family really appreciated my obnoxious rants about Thanksgiving being a corporate-sponsored melding of gluttony and sloth that’s based on a fictional peaceful gathering between our zealous, genocidal forebears and the peaceful natives whom they would end up raping and murdering.”
While he saved his efforts to spoil Thanksgiving for the day itself, Guinn would like unleash his efforts to ruin Christmas weeks in advance of the actual holiday. His Facebook posts are already referring to Christmas as “Pissed-mas” and he’s been warning that anyone who attempts to give him a present with be thanked with “a guided visit of the landfill” where most plastic containers, styrofoam packaging, wrapping paper, ribbon as well as gifts themselves end up.
Quinn has also been taking careful notes to help him prepare lectures for his Christian parents and grandparents about how the holiday is actually a winter solstice celebration created by pagans.
Does Quinn think he’ll be able to fully ruin Christmas for everyone with fewer than four weeks to go?
“It’s going to be tough,” he said, “seeing as how many people have been brainwashed into thinking taking part in this annual frenzy of shit-buying and shit-giving is somehow enjoyable, but I’m optimistic.”
“In fact,” he added, “things are going so well that I’ve already got my sights on that silly oh-I’m-so-Irish-I-drink-green-beer disgrace known as St. Patrick’s Day. I’d like to ruin that, too.”