Local atheist won’t believe he’s a total douchebag

MONTREAL — Outspoken atheist David Marois fails to believe what is clear to his peers: he’s a total douchebag.

According to roommate Mike Nolan, few people invite the 25-year-old Marois to parties, fearful he’ll resort to his usual practice of standing guard over the keg, and not letting women have a beer unless they listen to him explain how sexual monogamy is part of a system of patriarchal domination imposed by church founders.

“I tell David all the time he’s a douchebag,” said Nolan. “I say, ‘man, if you weren’t such a douche, maybe more women would want to be around you.’ He always says, ‘Where’s your proof?’”

Going with Marois to social events usually results in such awkwardness that he and Nolan are asked to leave. If someone strikes up a conversation about a usual topic like ice hockey, Marois always finds a way to link it to religion, and within minutes, he is furiously insisting that Judaism prescribes child abuse.

“Who in their right mind wants to talk at a party about Jewish circumcision?” Nolan said.

Before long, David is usually standing on a chair, waving his arms around, lecturing everyone about the folly of the Abrahamic desert religions, as if he’s some fucking theologian, peers say.

“He’s such a douchebag but I’ll never get him to believe it,” Nolan said. “If I had a time machine, I’d go back and burn that damn Christopher Hitchens book I got him for Christmas, I swear to God.”