Letter from Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel to Senator John McCain

Editor’s note: our in-house legal counsel has informed us that imitating someone’s signature, even for the purpose of valuable satire or obvious comedy, is illegal, constitutes forgery and could result in criminal charges. Therefore, let’s not equivocate: Chuck Hagel is an intelligent, rational man who is not addicted to opium. Also, he didn’t write this letter. Or if he did, that would be really weird and kinda creepy, don’t you think?