Hissing that the camera lights were burning his eyes, Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.) appeared with Democratic rival Hillary Clinton on Monday to announce the end of his presidential ambitions and plead for party unity.
“There is no Bernie,” Sanders managed to say between clenched teeth after several minutes of strained attempts to communicate. “Only Hillary.”
The announcement at a New Hampshire fundraiser comes just weeks ahead of the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia, calming fears that Sanders would attempt to lead an uprising against Clinton, whose support among the party’s superdelegates far surpasses his own.
When Clinton staffers approached Sanders to dab the spittle from the corners of his mouth and escort him off stage, the Vermont senator’s eyes rolled back into his head and he fell into a hysterical fit.
“Kill me now,” Sanders pleaded in what was later identified as an arcane dialect of Latin, gnashing at the staffers who were by then hogtying him to a wooden beam. “End this torment.”
Nadia Loeb, a professor of political science and researcher of the occult, says that Sanders’s decision to support the presumptive nominee is not surprising given the nightmare he’s found himself in ever since he decided to run for president against an establishment favorite.
“Any candidate, no matter how committed to bridging the gap between the rich and the poor, can only take so many nightly visits from a cadre of winged Democratic operatives who appear in his closet and under his bed to threaten him with eternal immolation,” Loeb said. “Yes, Senator Sanders faced tough opposition in Congress in his day, but that’s nothing compared to the Dantean horror of making enemies with a Clinton and the thousand demons who work at the behest of the Clinton dynasty.”