LOS ANGELES — A cabal of record label executives and pop music sages have ordered Kanye West to be permanently banished — what observers are calling a “harsh but fair punishment” for his despicable behavior during Sunday’s Grammys, the most ancient and venerable music awards ceremony.
After the assembly sang the traditional “O Let Us Praise Apollo and His Lyre,” the respected performer Beck took the stage to humbly accept recognition of his musical offerings, and to deliver the obligatory paean to the three classical pop music virtues of catchiness, sexiness, and repetitiveness. However, he was interrupted when West, in a shocking breach of decorum, leapt on the stage.
The estimated 20,000 devotees who were in attendance recoiled in shock, and the collective gasp created such a vacuum that people from as far away as Redondo Beach reported feeling winded. West was pelted with designer pumps and gaudy jewelry. Order was only restored when a throng of Beyoncé’s bodyguards locked the offender in a small cage while the visiting cleric LL Cool J hissed and spat upon him.
“‘Tis a day of outrage, for the defiling of the temple is a most egregious offense,” Cool J said. “Since the inception of this great ceremony nearly threescore years ago, we have labored to keep this house pure, yet this youngling has defiled it.”
Leon Koontz, 89, who has written a number of Grammy-nominated songs such as “Lemme Lick Your Booty” and “I Wanna Get In Your Big Booty,” agrees.
“Never in my life have I witnessed such audacity, such blatant disregard for the solemnity of this occasion,” Koontz said. “If only it were still 1959, the defiler would be forced to walk the streets of Los Angeles while dragging a 200-pound stone LP, begging passersby for forgiveness while they taunted him with parodic and cacophonous renditions of his own songs.”
“But these days such just punishments are rarely meted out,” he added. “The Grammys have been taken over by pussies.”
Neil Pissnow, president of the National Academy of Recording Arts and Sciences, says that West will no longer be welcomed at any event related to the music profession, nor will his albums be sold in any NARAS-recognized outlet, including iTunes and Walmart.
“Kanye is henceforth banished from this industry, never to return,” Pissnow said. “May he forever roam the pop-music landscape finding no refuge among the musically talented and the chart-topping wunderkinds, and may he be forevermore reviled, remembered only as the cretin who sullied our art in its finest hour.”
This is the third time the Grammys were defiled in such a manner. In 2002, host Jon Stewart stripped to his underwear, leading to his eventual blacklisting and disappearance from public life. In 1990, the two members of Milli Vanilli were given a Best New Artist award, but when it was later discovered that they did not sing the album version, record industry executives had them sentenced to six years of hard labor working as instructors at a children’s band camp in rural Oklahoma.