After toppling hundreds of statues of Confederate generals, Italian explorers, and anyone appearing to be of European heritage, tens of thousands of justice-crazed activists are now burning all paper currency in their pockets because it depicts the founders and other white men.
The movement was sparked by Seattle resident Violette Moore, who says the idea came to her while shopping at her neighborhood Antifa-run co-op where she’d gone to buy a new black mask because the old one made her face look puffy.
“While I was paying, I realized with horror that the slave-owning George Washington was right there on my one-dollar bills,” she said. “His white face was totally smug and he was all like, ‘dumb girl, you can’t demolish me because I’m on your money. Gimme a kiss. Come on.'”
“And then he did this thing with his tongue that was very gross,” she added. “Particularly because he was missing his teeth.”
Moore says that she removed the misogynist, racist president – who continued to telepathically taunt her, calling her all sorts of anachronistic, misogynistic slurs like “blowsabella” and “tit-monger” – from of her hemp wallet and taught him a lesson.
“I took him and his KKK buddies Lincoln, Hamilton, and Jackson out to the parking lot and burned them out of existence,” she said.
Within days, activists from some of the hottest protest groups including BLM, Antifa, and the Electronic Payment Federation (EPF) were calling for their members to #BurnYourRacistCash.
“Just about 45 billion more bills to go, at least by our count,” said Rich Mannis, EPF spokesperson. “Electronic payment and social justice will reign for a thousand years.”
Benjamin Franklin, whose face adorns the 100-dollar bill, is facing especially pointed wrath from protestors.
“Ben Franklin is the whitest guy you can imagine,” said one activist named Nathan, himself a white liberal arts student from a private college near San Francisco. “Just look at the dude. Probably wears socks with sandals and watches ‘Antiques Roadshow’ on the weekends.”
Nathan estimates that in one week alone he’s burned as many as 650 hundred-dollar bills. However, he says that the task is not as easy as it sounds.
“As soon as my stack of bills runs low, my parents pump more money into my bank account,” he said. “Racists, both of them, obviously.”