Jon Stewart comes out of retirement to donate snark to grieving nation  


Jon Stewart comes out retirement to donate snark Comedian Jon Stewart, who in August stepped down after 16 years of hosting the Daily Show, has vowed to briefly come out of retirement in order to donate a large amount of his very own snark to a mournful nation still reeling in the wake of a mass shooting at an Oregon college.

Naomi Ossman, Stewart’s publicist, said that the 52-year-old entertainer is saddened but enlivened by Thursday’s incident at Umpqua Community College, insisting that while Stewart “is as pissed off as anybody who used to make a living by throwing a sardonic spin on tragedy” about the attack, he can’t help but to wonder what sort of punchy one-liners Daily Show writers would have given him.

A handheld video uploaded to YouTube on Thursday night shows an unshaven Stewart in his bathroom, recording himself.

“They call this a senseless shooting, as if no one in the world had the sense to see it coming,” Stewart says. “Like NRA president Wayne LaPierre was totally caught off guard. ‘Holy moly, Martha, you’ll never guess what one of them kids did with a gun.’”

“Laughter, cut to video,” he whispered.

Despite the abundance of comedians to offer insightful sarcasm about guns and gun violence, including Stewart’s replacement Trevor Noah as well as former Daily Show correspondents John Oliver and Stephen Colbert, Stewart realizes that his particular “who, me, I’m just a guy with a mic” style is what’s desperately needed right now, according to Ossman.

“It’s a dark time in America, and Mr. Stewart knows that his fans need the light of his pointed wit and impeccable comic timing to get them through this wretched night,” Ossman said. “He is promising to deliver as many as six tons of pure snark, complete with clever video montages and photoshopped pictures of GOP leaders, before the end of the week.”

By Friday morning, several Red Cross delivery trucks could be seen lining up outside Stewart’s luxurious Manhattan apartment, with workers loading boxes of Stewart’s personal humor that will be handed out to fans across the country. At least half of the promised snark will be sent via video streaming services directly into homes of the needy, and up to 500 pounds will be reserved for despairing foreigners who are unable to consume any U.S. news unless it comes directly from Stewart’s mouth.

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