Rabbi Irgun Kahane-Ariel, Israel’s Deputy Minister for Occupation Affairs, sat down with George Armstrong Winthrop, Acting Director of the U.S. Bureau of Indian Affairs, for their annual confab in Washington, D.C. A partial transcript of their conversation became available to the Dandy Goat.
K-A: Shalom! “Ma nish” (What’s up?), my friend. Hey, did you hear that Obama wanted Israel to to return to the pre-1967 borders? Native Americans quickly responded, “What about us? Let’s go back the pre-1492 borders in America!” But seriously, George, why did the Indian cross the road? He spotted a liquor store on the other side.
GW: Good one! Okay. Why did the Zionist cross the road? To occupy the other side!
K-A: Enough frivolity. Are you keeping the maize-munchers off the warpath?
GW: We have 337 reservations on 55 million acres. Most of the land is terrible, even uninhabitable, but parts of it contain $1.5 trillion in oil, natural gas and uranium.
K-A: So, what’s the plan?
GW: Following your example, we’re going to offer generous financial incentives for a settler movement onto this land. The first wave will be religious zealots, survivalists, ex-private security contractors, and, of course, folks just looking for spacious living with an easy commute to work. We’ll bribe some rez radishes to help us.
GW: Red on the outside, white on the inside.
K-A: My advice is to allow a few radical groups to flourish on the reservations. Then you can refuse to negotiate with terrorists. Why not encourage a new American Indian Movement with slogans like “Scalp All the Pale Faces”? Creating enough white fear that some tomahawk-chuckers will go off the rez will allow you to find a final solution.
GW: Irgun, I’m taking notes as fast as I can! Also, a handful of tribes have reaped enormous profits from casinos near major metropolitan areas. If we get that money flowing off-reservation to Wall Street banks, the rez Indians who help us can remain — for now. Any more advice?
K-A: One more thing. Whining settlers are a royal “veytik in der tokes” (pain in the ass) for the government. But they do create irreversible facts on the ground. Later you can say, “It’s politically impossible to remove them.” In Israel, our next step is setting up seven to eight tiny mini-states in Judea and Samaria — in the West Bank — and Gaza for a population transfer. We’ll encounter some grousing from the usual traitors, boycott dupes, and anti-Semites, but in a few decades Israelis will say, “Toda raba (thanks a lot), but what took you so long?”
GW: I like it, I like it. Apartheid South Africa’s ten Bantustans or “homelands” for their tribes worked like a charm, until communist agitators began stirring up the natives.
K-A: And then Castro stepped in to help Mandela. At least we’re spared that problem!
GW: Not to sound immodest, but our own ethnic cleansing project was almost perfect — a total of nine million, or 90 percent of them. We don’t have enough Injuns left to start intifadas and make insane demands. The expulsion of your own redskins from Palestine in 1947-49 was, not to put it too indelicately … a botched job.
K-A: George, it’s easy to be a Monday morning quarterback, but, yeah, as we say in Hebrew, it was a “fascia,” a real screwup. Israeli historian Benny Morris reminds us — all too often — that our Founding Fathers failed to “finish the job.” Now the Palestinian Arabs are reproducing like rabbits! But those seven to eight hutches should do the trick.
GW: You’ve probably heard that anthropologists have recently found evidence that Stone Age Europeans were in North America at least 15,000 years before the Indians. Tools have been found on our East Coast and we’re waiting for DNA evidence. Just like your 2000-year brief hiatus, we’ll correct the history, reassert our right of return and starting removing the remaining squatters. We’ll pay Canada to take them and even suggest a slogan: “A land without people for a people without a land.” We’ll still have the Redskins, even though a 7-9 record will be a good year. And we have you to thank, Irgun — you wrote the book on all this, showed us how it’s done!
K-A: You’re too kind, my friend. Your shining city on a hill has inspired us. And your unstinting financial and military support has made possible everything that we are today.