In case of defeat, Trump to relocate with followers to ‘Trumptown’ in Guyana


In case of defeat, Trump to relocate with followers to ‘Trumptown’ in GuyanaShowing his credentials as a shrewd planner, presidential candidate and real estate developer Donald Trump says that should his presidential ambitions be thwarted by an international conspiracy of losers, dummies, and menstruating women, he is building a colony for himself and his followers in the South American country of Guyana.

“You want to be with me forever, and I want you to want to be with me forever,” Trump said. “I’ve got all the logistics worked out, plus some really good people working on building us our own settlement that I’m calling ‘Trumptown.’”

“All you beautiful, intelligent people who adore me will live in state-of-the-art bungalows that I’m offering at cut-rate prices, I tell you,” he said. “I’ll reside in a really fantastic jungle palace in the center of Trumptown, 43 stories tall, a million square feet, anacondas hanging from the ceilings, it will be yuuuge,” he said.

The former host of the hit television series “The Apprentice” and outspoken proponent of greatness says that moving to South America would only be a last resort in case the liberal media, the conservative media, and the middle media continue their relentless assault against him.

Rick Stafford, a 47-year-old Nevada life coach who has been a Trump devotee ever since he dreamt about the candidate ridding his rural county of pest-carrying prairie dogs nearly a year ago, says that he’ll follow Donald Trump anywhere.

“I’d marry the guy, if he wasn’t mostly — or partially — opposed to same-sex marriages,” Stafford said. “I will literally live in an ice cave in Antarctica and slowly freeze to death, if that’s what pleaseth him.”

Dental hygienist Jaclyn Chabot, 32, a former Miss Pre-Teen Kansas, is becoming the world’s first person to change her blood type so that he can move to Trumptown and donate her organs to the candidate if he becomes ill.

“The man’s a veritable business sage, a time-travelling property developer who has the best professional contacts in the whole world because he’s made deals with them all in the future,” she said. “We are with you, oh Magnificent Mogul, oh Terrifying Tycoon, oh Heavenly TV Host.”

Brad Lowenstowen-Bonnen, 37, an unemployed stay-at-home father and aspiring entrepreneur, says that even if Trump loses the primaries or the general election, he won’t really lose.

“Donald Trump is a level-16 alpha male, the highest pedigree you can find, so losing isn’t even in his vocabulary,” he said. “A mere whiff of his pheromones is enough to turn sexual competitors into eunuchs and send them scurrying for cover, and his steely gaze puts ovulating women into a ravenous dash towards his penthouse. Thank God for the former special forces operators he’s hired to work in teams of six in rotating 12-hour shifts to keep these women away from him and his precious wife.”

“I totally idolize the man,” he added. “I mean that in a literal sense. I’ve got ten statues of him in my garage, mostly made from molded plastic or sculpted granite, but a friend of mine made one entirely from hair wax. Before I meet potential clients to make lucrative entrepreneurial-style deals, I rub some of it on my head for good luck.”

A spokesperson for Trump said that if Trumptown proves to be successful, after five years he will place a bid on the entire country of Guyana, rename it “Trumptopia,” and charge people a fee of $100,000 to be a temporary resident called a Trumpeteer, $500,000 to become a permanent resident called a Trumpkin, and $1,000,000 to become a fully fledged citizen called a Trumptopian.

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