Is Donald Trump ready for the debate tonight? You bet he is. I’m going for the jugular! Sleepy Joe won’t know what hit him. KO, first round. He’ll be on the ground twitching like a gazelle that got the crap kicked out of it by a lion. While 100 million people watch! It’ll be good TV, really great stuff. The networks will make a killing.
Sure, we’ll talk business. The wall is working, people! We’re making America great again. We’ve never had it so great. The drug cartels are on the run. Peace deals across the world. I undid all the damage Obama did, but we’re not done. Also, we’ve got to talk about the economy. But that’s for later, because tonight’s the big event. It’s going to be a massacre!
It won’t even be fair. Biden’s handlers are going to come running up to the stage, begging me to show mercy. And I will. But not till I’ve ripped out his heart and lungs! I sort of feel bad for Sleepy Joe. We’ve got to, don’t we, people? Everyone’s saying to me, President Trump, you can’t be too hard on him, because his brain and all that. Don’t get his blood pressure up. Okay, okay, I’ll take it easy, only because I don’t want to be charged with murder. Then the Dems would have a crime to pin on me.
Joking! He’s dead meat. People, I’m pumped for the debate!
Donald Trump is the incumbent president and Republican candidate
My friends often inquire, Joe, are you ready for the debate with President Trump? Hah! You bet I am, because on the day of the thing, the uh, you know, the oh, um, yeah. What was I … the thing. In November. Election day, thanks, that’s it. What was I saying?
Jokes aside, we have been preparing for this event non-stop since July, slowly building up my drug tolerance. It’s a matter of life or death. Literally. I don’t want to die tonight. I’m taking every pharmaceutical precaution: warfarin, ephedrine, dextroamphetamine, phenytoin, lorazepam, you name it!
I am so grateful to my debate preparation team, specifically neurologist Dr. Henrik Carlsson and Dr. Barkha Hazra of Johns Hopkins. Also, I want to offer my thanks to the most important person on my campaign team, one who has stood by my side when I’ve needed him most: Dr. Christopher Rutkin, whose little jabs of whatever that stuff is give me the jolt I need to get through those long, three-minute canned speeches when my brain gets fuzzy and I start going on a mental canoe trip to Happy Island.
I am so medicated, you can probably get high just by smelling my farts. No, but seriously, I have popped so many pills today, I hope I don’t get pulled over on the way to the debate. Don’t worry! Who needs to drive when you can run. Yippee! I can do a mile in under five minutes. Want to watch me? Look, I’ll do a karate kick.
To all my supporters at home and financial backers who worry that their millions of dollars in donations will all be for naught due to a loss of cognitive function that’s replayed endlessly by conservative media and becomes meme material for the next 10 years: fear not. I’m so amped up, I couldn’t lose consciousness if I tried. Really. I haven’t slept for days. Look at me, I can fly! Hold my papers while I climb up on this statue.
I’m totally pumped with meds for the debate tonight!
Joe Biden is the Democratic candidate for president
Photo credit: Gage Skidmore