Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is making a last-ditch effort to win the presidency by asking that it be granted to her as a dying wish.
“Many of you have already guessed that I’m not in the best of health,” she said in the two-minute video released moments before the polls closed on Tuesday. “The truth is that I have been given a diagnosis of terminal personality disorder.”
“I might seem like a calloused power hoarder whose proclivity for truth-dodging is so second nature as to make it seem genetic, but inside I’m just a curious little girl watching Eisenhower on television, asking my mommy if I can be president one day.”
“Please say yes, America,” Clinton says. “I’m asking the Make-A-Wish Foundation to honor this final request for little Hillary Rodham, for her to sit in that Oval Office in that big chair while wearing a pretty little dress with the words ‘Madam President’ embroidered on it.”
“Give it to me now, you uneducated filthy country dwellers,” she added.
According to Clinton spokesperson Jess Lech, doctors have given the former secretary of state and senator only four years to eight years left to live, or up to 16 in the case a sprawling presidential library is erected in her honor.
“Please, help Hillary Clinton realize her lifelong dream,” Lech said. “Before it’s too late.”