I’m an 83-year-old man, and I’m a virgin. The other day it dawned on me that I’d like to have sex with a woman, but I don’t know how to do it. Any advice?
Aging Gentleman Expecting Disaster
Don’t worry, AGED. It’s never too late to fornicate, but you will require my tutelage. First, I need to delve into some history.
One of the handicaps we inherited from the Victorians, AGED, was their repulsion of DFFFFFFD*. As everyone knows, the Victorians were a decorous lot, put off by bodily fluids, including saliva, pus and tears. They also had paralyzing fear of being nude, which meant that many of them never changed their clothes. This explains why perfume was so popular in the 19th century.
Why didn’t Victorians have sex? Here’s my theory: they didn’t have sex because they didn’t know what to do. How-to manuals weren’t commonplace until “The Joy of Sex” was published in 1972, and even that tome seems prudishly incomplete by today’s standards.
The only way you’re ever going to get through your first sexual experience without looking like a horny, incompetent schoolboy is to carefully study all of my weekly columns dating back to March 9, 1992. Better yet, buy my books — all of them. I’m talking about signed, hardback editions that are only available through my website. And for the love of Kinsey, don’t buy them used. You never know who was doing what while handling them.
These are my books:
“Don’t Be Selfish: Sharing Your Orifices With The Community” (1984)
“Sex Is Only Sexy If You Do It As I Believe It Should Be Done” (1994)
“Hot Lingo: A Glossary of 28,342 Sexual Terms You Need to Know to Avoid Looking Like A Fool When You Fool Around” (1995)
“10,287 Sexual Neologisms for Memorable Lovemaking in The New Millenium” (1999)
“Why People Should Ask Me, A Total and Frequently Drunk Stranger, for Sex and Relationship Advice” (2009)
Now, AGED, pull out your credit card and get to work!
P.S. I give one-on-one sex lessons. Do you keep fit?
I love your column but I grew up knowing you as Terry/Terri. Can I please keep thinking of you as Terry/Terri instead of Larry/Larri?
Can’t Accept New Title
When I first read your email, CANT, I wanted to hit my “delete and block sender forever, report to FBI as likely hate-group fascist” button, but then I thought I’d put your filthy ignorance on display to make a point.
For too long, we have allowed “you” to force a name on “us” in whatever way suits you — you, from our annoyingly cheerful mothers who smothered us with tender-but-diminutive terms of endearment like “Little One,” to our Eisenhower-loving fathers who enforced a strict code of heteronormativity by slapping us on the back while pricking our young psyches with pernicious nicknames like “Champ.”
Look at the calendar and tell me what year it is. (That was a rhetorical demand, by the way. I know very well what year it is.) It’s 2014, okay? In 2014, it is my right to:
- Choose to go by a name(s), or if I’m disinclined, to go by a color, a symbol or a melody
- Choose to change my name(s), the spelling of my name(s) or the pronunciation of my name(s)
- Decide who can say or write my name(s), and under which circumstances
If you don’t like this wake-up call, CANT, then I suggest you construct a time machine and go back to 1847 when the Victorians took over Western sex in a priggish coup d’état.
One more thing: if you ever address me as Terry/Terri again, I’ll publish your name and email address, and I’ll tell everyone about the last email you sent me in which you expressed shame for having masturbated in the theater prop room just before taking the stage as Atticus Finch at — Oak Park High School, was it, class of 2009?
P.S. In bed, of course, I see things differently. There, you may call me whatever you damn well please. Email me if you’re in the area.
I desperately need your help. I’m 22, a male, and I’m in a relationship with a 65-year-old woman I met in a support group for sex addicts. We’re into BDSM and RPG, often with others. She’s always DM, but once a month we do TPE. Our relationship so far is good, except that I love TT but she’s more into AT. We tried to resolve this by increasing our WS time, but that got smelly so we changed to AB/DL, but the cost got too high so now we’re into simulated ABF, but as she’s a MF, it doesn’t really work. I would love a younger NSA third. However, as a 24/7 sub, I’m not allowed to bring this up. So?
Acronyms Save Space
Your predicament, ASS, is more common than you might believe. When you do engage in TPE, THYWAT so that you may STFALW without DSOCAC.
Is that clear enough?
P.S. Acronyms are EROTIC.
Do you want advice? Email your problem to: firstname.lastname@example.org
*Dirty Freaky Fun Fantastic Fabulous Fornification, Free of Disease