Dear Larry/Larri –
I’m a former politician and cabinet member who’s testing the waters for a 2016 presidential run. Last week during an interview, a mean journalist embarrassed me in front of the country by implying I only decided to support same-sex marriage because it’s politically advantageous.
How can I best get revenge against this bitch? Should I try to get her fired from her stupid little radio gig? Or should I show a little restraint and merely start a rumor that she contracted gonorrhea from unprotected sex with an underage, heroin-addicted escort boy?
Help! Revenge Counsel?
For what it’s worth, HRC, I once found myself in a similar predicament. I was teaching a sexology course at a college in Arizona when the students complained about the classroom demonstrations I gave. The dean, this really nasty bigot, demanded certified copies of my degrees that I had (oops!) lied about having, and when I told him to stuff himself, he fired me and had me replaced with a skanky 28-year-old PhD from Taiwan who probably doesn’t even know what it’s like having an orgy with the entire Harvard debate team.
Afterwards, I was very angry and I wanted revenge, so I penned a 20-page letter to this bigot’s wife claiming I was his mistress, and that he had fathered 38 children with me. I immediately moved away from Arizona, so I don’t know what became of the letter. In my dreams, his wife lopped off his penis and put it on a stake in their front yard.
So, what did you want to know? Oh, the journalist, right. Spreading a rumor that someone has a VD is not acceptable. Why don’t you invite her for drinks under the pretense you want to make peace, then get her really drunk and try kissing her? If that works, you can take photos. Then you can blackmail her into retracting all the nasty things she said.
By the way, don’t you people have consultants to help to prepare you for talking about the biggest social issues of the day?
P.S. Your political expediency is a fantastic turn-on. Contact me if you’re ever in the area and we’ll see how far you’re willing to bend your beliefs.
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