How to destroy your homophobic baker in a few easy steps

How to destroy your homophobic baker in 10 easy steps Everyone knows that small-town bakers are undermining progress by refusing to bake the cakes we want, but few people understand how to hit these jerks where it hurts the most: right in their livelihood. Here’s an easy guide:

Step one: Find a local baker, preferably one who advertises in the Yellow Pages and doesn’t even have a Facebook page. The folksier the name, the better. “Hank’s Cakes and Goodies” is a fine choice, but “Ashley’s Cake Designs” is not.

Step two: Walk into the business and search for evidence of small-mindedness. Bible verses hanging on the wall, tacky decor, Rush Limbaugh blaring from the kitchen, or old people greeting the baker by name are all signs that you’re in the right place. If the baker has tattooes, is listening to the Decemberists, or is under the age of 35, leave immediately.

Step three: Announce that you would like to order a wedding cake that says “Bill and Ted” on it. If the baker looks surprised but agrees to your request, tell him that you want the words “God loves gay marriage” also written on the cake. If the baker’s face turns red with embarrassment and/or fury, but he’s still willing to make the cake, press on. Say that for a cake topper you’d like two giant penises tying a knot. If he still agrees, leave and go back to step one.

Step four: So, the baker refuses and claims that his “religion” doesn’t permit him to make such a cake. Ask him to repeat his words, but loudly, checking that your iPhone is still recording the conversation. Don’t worry if he sees you; he doesn’t even know that a phone can be used for anything other than calling his wife or entertaining his grandchildren.

Step five: To drum up public support, write a blog post about the incident, giving it the title “My awful experience with a hateful bigot proves we are still homophobic.” With any luck, the alternative weekly from the nearest big city will cover your story. Get a good night’s sleep and put on your best clothes in the morning, because a photographer will be there shortly to take photos of you basking in your victimhood. Don’t forget to look in the mirror and practice making expressions of righteous indignation.

Step six: Step back. Relax. The machine is now working on its own. Your blog post has been shared six billion times. Activists all the way from San Francisco to Budapest are sending you messages of support, offering to put you in contact with a lawyer friend. Decline, saying that you’re too depressed, as the incident is giving you nightmares and you can’t sleep, so you’ve been fired and you’re on the verge of homelessness. In the meantime, set up a GoFundMe account to get money for a new laptop and a faster internet connection.

Step seven: Watch as activists, the media, Twitter, and eventually the Department of Justice attack the baker with the force of a million Dan Savages. Sure, the baker is going to try to meekly defend his actions, but don’t feel bad. The Nazi leader Hermann Göring attempted the same strategy at the Nuremberg trials, but everyone knew he deserved to get hanged anyway.

Step eight: Grant an interview on CNN or the Today Show and say that you actually feel bad for the baker for being so ignorant and full of hate. This will make you not only appear sympathetic towards elderly people who cling to expired ideas, but it will give the public a kind face to put with the story. Don’t worry if you’re not cut out for TV. Hair and makeup assistants will make you look nice, and a producer will guide you as to what you must say.

Step nine: Cash in. Under pressure from the civil rights attorneys camped out on his lawn,  threats of your lawsuit, and strangers everywhere he goes wishing death upon him, the baker will agree to a settlement that he’ll scrape together by selling his business, house, and one of his kidneys. Also, the money his rich Christian buddies put up to fund his legal defense can now go to you. Good job! You will never again have to go to work at that crappy call center.

Step nine-and-a-half: Oops. They find out that not only was the incident planned, but that you’re not actually getting married to anyone, let alone a same-sex partner, and that your name is neither Ted nor Bill. Don’t worry! Like a judo master, transfer the momentum of public anger into rage directed at those who “create a climate of fear and intimidation” and made your ruse “necessary,” i.e. evil small business owners who want nothing more than to deny LGBT people services. Brand yourself as a professional victim-activist, write a book, and go on a speaking tour. Universities are willing to pay big money for people like to you “share your story.”

Now, finally, for once, enjoy life.

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