Insisting that confidential emails sent from her personal account were secure, former secretary of state Hillary Clinton has informed the public that she has a private internet at home.
“During my tenure in the State Department, I did indeed use my personal account to send and receive tens of thousands of official emails, but this never posed a security risk because the account was set up on clintonemail.com,” she said, “which is run on my very own server, on my very own internet, which is totally safe.”
“It would have taken every last state-sponsored Russian hacker a hundred years to break in, you see, because my private internet exists in a universe of its own, where I alone am fluent in the complex programming language, because I’m the one who created it, and I’m also the one who nearly broke her back laying down the thousands of miles of secret fiber optic cables.”
“Plus, my password was 17 characters long, and it contained a mix of numbers and letters,” she added. “It alluded to a glib remark that Bill made on Bourbon Street during our trip to the Big Easy back in 1978. No one knows about that raunchy joke except us.”
One reporter asked Clinton if it was indeed her who had sent world leaders emails from the account with ads for discount Viagra, profanity-laden criticism of the 1999 NATO bombing campaign, and misspelled references to Monica Lewinsky’s mouth.
“Rest assured that my internet is safe, because I invented it,” she said. “I’m the only one who can break it.”