Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has begun “an extended field study” of rural American humanoids, according to her staff.
Flanked by Secret Service agents and a dozen aides, Clinton left New York to travel by motorcade to Iowa in order to better understand the creatures she hopes will vote for her in 2016.
“My staff and I are curious about the subhuman morlocks who live in the interior of this great nation,” Clinton said. “Rural humanoids are a fascinating demographic, I can’t wait to meet them to try to make sense of their monosyllabic gibberish.”
Clinton’s three-car caravan is packed with 1500 pounds of beef jerky that staffers will toss to the humanoids in case they start gnashing their teeth, according to Sara Lowenstein, a volunteer from Brooklyn.
“We’ve read that country-dwellers love getting free things thrown from moving cars, particularly things they can eat,” Lowenstein said. “In addition to the beef jerky, we’ve got 200 bags of marshmallows and a bunch of kosher pickles, all of which we hope to convert into votes.”
Clinton’s first stop on Sunday was at a gas station near Altoona, Pennsylvania, where she delivered a speech to the female cashier about the gender pay gap. Afterwards, Clinton wandered around the gas pumps, poking customers to see if they were cognizant before giving them “Hillary 2016” iPhone cases.
“These humanoids are curious, because even when they’re out in middle of the day, they dress in pajamas,” Clinton said. “And although the average American household has $72,304 of debt and 83 percent of working adults say they are dissatisfied with their jobs, for some reason they idiotically smile, which just goes to show how little they understand their own misery.”
On Monday, Clinton ventured incognito into a Chipotle restaurant in Maumee, Ohio, where she took great delight in using hand gestures to communicate her order, opting for a chicken burrito bowl with extra guacamole.
“Such bizarre dining habits, these humanoids exhibit,” Clinton said upon leaving the Chipotle. “When you order food, they slide you a tray that you carry by yourself to a table, and if you want silverware, you’re on your own.”
“Americans are exceptional, and I’ll be proud to represent them despite their intellectual limitations and rustic country manners,” she added.
Making the journey with Clinton is Brady Morrison, who was born to a working-class family in the Midwest but was rescued at the age of seven by a philanthropic millionaire couple from Manhattan. The 25-year-old Harvard graduate student still understands local dialects, so Clinton relies on him to translate ungrammatical grunts into qualifiable “voter concerns” which he summarizes in daily meetings.
“A truck driver at an Indiana rest stop was braying like a donkey, hopping in a circle, flapping her arms,” Morrison said. “Mrs. Clinton was confounded, but I was able to glean that this woman had burned her tongue with coffee.”
Morrison communicated the woman’s exasperation to one of Clinton’s senior aides, and later in the day Clinton tweeted that as president, she would work to ensure that all Americans are educated about the dangers of hot beverages.
Upon arriving at a meet-and-greet in Iowa on Tuesday afternoon, Clinton attempted to shake hands with a squat couple who seemed frightened of her large sunglasses and sudden movements. “I want to earn your vote,” she told them before a staffer informed her that it was actually a couple of farm hogs.