Great actor’s death plunges millions of fans into pretentiousness

Photo by Georges Biard

Following Sunday’s sad news that actor Philip Seymour Hoffman had died, millions of fans were instantly plunged into a deep sense of pretentiousness.

“I’m devastated,” said one 45-year-old mourner from Brooklyn who had gathered with others outside Hoffman’s Manhattan apartment. “I love his oeuvre,” she added, pleased to have used such a snobby-sounding word.

“There’s no other character actor of his caliber who exhibited such stunning versatility,” said a 24-year-old who wasn’t even sure what a character actor is, if Hoffman qualified as one, or if he had used the word “versatility” in an appropriate context.

“He brought a studied nuance to the complex characters he embodied,” said another man, sounding very clever indeed.

“Everything about him bespoke of greatness,” said the woman from Brooklyn, who enjoyed uttering the word “bespoke” so much that she vowed to use it again. She went on to say that Hoffman had amazing screen presence — just because it sounded like a smart thing to say.