BUTZFELD, Germany — A woman in this sleepy hamlet in the northern district of Amburger-Elper has been walking around town asking for it, according to local men.
“What gall to parade through the center of town where males are known to congregate,” said Jurgen Frankenbeinz, who has been mayor since 2009. “She thinks she’s being sneaky, hurrying along, averting her gaze, clutching her purse, pretending to be increasingly uneasy with all the leering and catcalls, when the whole time she’s just praying that a circle of men will close in and claw away at her.”
Police chief Hans Rottenfisch says that multiple witnesses have confirmed that not only has the young lady been asking for it, but that she’s really been asking for it good.
“I’ve got a whole stack of reports on my desk about the young woman flaunting her body, wearing tight winter sweaters and whorish snow boots, essentially begging for random men to reach for her breasts and legs,” he said. “Why not just carry a sign that says, ‘Molest me, but do it sneakily so I can pretend to not see you, nor be able to describe your face to investigators should our hot little cat-and-mouse game advance that far.’”
Many residents now believe that the young lady has grown bored of toying with homegrown townsmen, so now she’s training her little pair of fuck-me eyes squarely on recently arrived migrant men, nearly 150 of whom live in Butzfeld.
Village elder Reinhold Grumpelstick says that the last thing homesick Syrian and Iraqi refugee men need is for the local German skank to go walking by and showing off her uncovered face like a member of the Aleppo All-Volunteer Slut Brigade protesting for higher levels of unsolicited ass-slapping.
“It’s cruel to tease such miserable men who’ve lost their homes and livelihoods, to bombard them with so many signals that the young lady wants to be publicly ravished without having to waste precious sexual energy on the mundane task of granting permission,” he said. “Mark my words: one day, this young lady is going to get burned by playing around with the unpredictable fires of nonconsent, and no one’s going to feel sorry for her.”
Cultural sensitivity expert Bruno Kersplatz says that German women — especially those who give off that unmistakable vibe that they want to be felt up by a total stranger — need to be more aware of how easily confused one becomes when visiting or claiming refugee status in a foreign country.
“Let’s turn the tables,” he said. “Imagine that you’re wandering through a Syrian desert, lost and starving, when you stumble upon a small table on which sits a bowl of delicious-looking dates, along with a note that says, ‘Eat these, they’re free.’”
“So you do, and before long, a mob of angry Bedouins on camelback come charging at you, swinging swords, accusing you of theft, and shouting all manner of xenophobic abuse,” he said. “You’d be totally innocent, just like any fellow who acts on a German woman’s unspoken but obvious urgings.”