CHICAGO — A newborn baby has announced that he appreciates the warm home reception his two fathers have given after his birth at Prentice Women’s Hospital, but Daddy 1’s nipple tastes like crap and yields nothing but sweat — and precious little at that.
“Man, what I wouldn’t give for some sweet-ass lady’s milk,” said the baby, whose fathers are calling him Gordon.
“Nah, better would be some awesome colostrum,” he added, referring to the nutrient-rich first milk packed with antibodies, protein and vital growth and antimicrobial factors.
“Yuck,” the baby said upon trying Daddy 2’s nipple that only produced a stiff black hair. “I mean, it’s cool y’all built me that cozy bedroom decorated with baseball things and car posters, but I need the creamy good stuff.”
The baby then decided to bawl.
His two fathers said “aww, cute” and snapped a photo before opening a container of formula designed to approximate breast milk. The first father lovingly heated the formula to body temperature, poured it into a bottle topped with a silicone teat resembling a woman’s nipple, and inserted it into Gordon’s mouth, pacifying the baby, but only barely.