A language expert working for the Nathaniel Dubbles Institute has confirmed to the Dandy Goat that Russian president Vladimir Putin is responsible for a spate of so-called “fake advice pieces” ostensibly written by syndicated columnist Jeanne Phillips.
Cecilia Pawlak, a 66-year-old retired kindergarten teacher from New Jersey, was the first to notify authorities that the content of the “Dear Abby” columns appearing in her local newspaper, the Tewksbury Tribune, had for several days been uncharacteristically mean-spirited and clumsily worded.
Local police turned the investigation over to the FBI, who went on to discover that for weeks and in newspapers all across the country, Phillips’s actual advice had been replaced by the writings of an imposter.
The agency soon determined that hackers inside Russia got into the servers of dozens of U.S. print newspapers and news sites, ensuring that the fake replies to readers who had asked for help would be printed instead of the actual, helpful ones approved by Phillips’s editor.
“For weeks, I thought that my beloved Dear Abby had gone off the deep end, especially when she advised a depressed mother from Memphis to leave her family, quit her job, and begin a furious social media campaign to let the world know that Hillary Clinton was behind the 9/11 attacks and has the mark of the beast tattooed on her left buttock,” said Pawlak, a longtime reader.
Forensic linguist Paul E. Glossia, who specializes in Slavic languages and completed a PhD dissertation examining the Russian president’s awkward love letters to his ex-wife, Lyudmila, says he has “no doubt” that Putin himself composed all the fake “Dear Abby” replies, which as of today number at 28.
“Here’s a guy who was so bent on getting Donald Trump elected, he took time off from supervising military drills in Crimea to infiltrate our country and violate the most sacred of relationships in America, that between an advice columnist and her loyal readers,” Glossia said.
What remain to be determined, however, is if these forgeries really did influence the outcome of the U.S. presidential election. Look at the Oct. 17, 2016 “Dear Abby” column and decide for yourself.
