Everyone who gushed over ‘The Alchemist’ still totally enlightened


Everyone who went crazy about ‘The Alchemist’ still totally enlightenedAnyone who has ever read and gushed over Paulo Coelho’s 1988 novel “The Alchemist” is still totally enlightened and has achieved his or her dreams, according to a study by the Nathaniel Dubbles Institute for Higher Consciousness. 

Mary Piggott, 26, a former barfly once described as “irredeemably pathetic” by her family, read the novel in 2009 and immediately understood that the universe was conspiring to help her invent a new vodka cocktail. At least four bars in Ohio now serve a drink named after her. Piggott is believed to be living in the Himalayas where she is a level-six yogi and part-time barmaid. 

Jonathan Birkin says he used to surrounded himself with writers and artists, but after reading Coelho’s allegorical tale, he understood that his Personal Legend was to sell accounting software. The 36-year-old got an MBA and stopped hanging out with homeless poets. He’s now a regional sales manager in Orlando and is married to a lovely woman with thick black hair. Their two children are widely admired for having very white teeth.

Illinois resident Tony Bedford says that after reading “The Alchemist” he had a dream in which he was Santiago, the novel’s treasure-seeking protagonist, and was told by the titular sage where to obtain towers of gold bricks. Although Bedford is currently serving six years in prison for an armed robbery inspired by his dream, he insists that he now understands that the gold in his dream was metaphorical, as was the bank vault.

“Literally everyone who ever described ‘The Alchemist’ as a ‘must-read’ and ‘life-changing’ is still living in a state of total illumination,” the study concludes. “If you haven’t read it, then you’re probably living in the dark and you don’t even own any healing crystals.”

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