Europe producing ‘anti-rape spray’ in case of Russian invasion

Anti-rape anti-vergewaltigung spray in case of invasion by Russian soldiersFRANKFURT, Germany — Several European companies are developing a spray designed to prevent rape in case of an invasion by the Russian military, according to various news outlets.

The German pharmaceutical company Bayer is expected to be the first to release its anti-rape spray, which could be available for purchase as early June.

The product is an anaphrodisiac derived from monk’s pepper — also known as chasteberry — a plant found in Mediterranean regions. When sprayed within three meters of a sex-starved Russian soldier, the product will cause him to lose interest in assaulting females. In most cases, the Russian soldier will instead read an arts or culture magazine, or quietly work on a Sudoku puzzle.

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With a cost of 50 euros ($70), some worry Bayer’s spray will be too expensive for many women.

“Our goal was to develop a product that eliminates a Russian soldier’s instinct to violate women from occupied areas, without injuring or otherwise aggravating him, which could make him prone to headbutting civilians,” said Heinke Zauner, a spokesperson for Bayer.

With an expected retail price of nearly 50 euros ($70) for a 250ml dispenser, some worry that the product will be too expensive for women with limited resources. However, most EU governments have vowed to offer financial assistance. German minister of the interior Thomas de Maizière says his country’s social insurance will provide the spray at virtually no cost to female residents, even those lacking proper documentation.

“We are committed to stopping horny Russian soldiers from savaging any woman within German borders,” Maiziere said.

The French pharmaceutical giant Sanofi says its spray bottles will be designed to look like perfume, so that advancing rapey-eyed Russian soldiers will erroneously believe their victims are preparing themselves for a better-smelling act of violation.

Ludzka Perfumy, a Polish company that specializes in organic cosmetics, is developing a product that smells like musk, cooked cheese and body odor. Instead of spraying it towards others, women will apply the liquid on themselves, confusing Russian soldiers’ olfactory systems into sensing the women are actually unbathed male basketball players from Volgograd.

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