NEW YORK — A clearly intoxicated ACLU is vowing to defend scoundrel and Los Angeles Clippers owner Donald Sterling, who was banned for life from the NBA and fined $2.5 million for racist remarks he made during a private phone conversation.
“Two fumbamental [sic] rights have been violated in this case,” said the ACLU, tipping an empty glass to its lips for a last drop of gin. “The right to you know, free speech and all that, and also — what was it? Oh yeah, privacy.”
According to posts made on the ACLU’s Facebook page late last night — probably after the organization that was founded in 1920 to protect freedom of expression got home from the bar — imposing such a harsh penalty on an individual for his words might seem like the right thing to do, but it sets a dangerous precedent of people being punished for their views, odious or not. Also, the ACLU said, the move seems like something Putin would do.
“THIS IS CRAZY!!!” says the post. “Old dude everyone knew was a racist kook says some racist shit on the phone, now he has to pay millions to the NBA for it? What’s next, fines for racist thoughts? We’re going to fight this crap, just like we always do.”
In a tweet, the ACLU wrote: “#Clippers ownr [sic] may be a #douche, but seriously, WTF?”
When friends texted the ACLU at three in the morning to see if it wanted to go on a food run to Taco Bell, the organization was still fuming.
“Sorry, not in the mood,” the ACLU responded. “So someone can record you without ur [sic] consent, give the recording to a smut-monger like TMZ, and ruin your life, and that’s acceptable?”
The ACLU’s friends — the Southern Poverty Law Center and the NAACP — say not to worry about the crazy things the ACLU is spouting out because tomorrow, when it is sober, the civil liberties organization will have forgotten everything it vowed to do.
“The facts are clear,” they said in a joint statement. “Donald Sterling is rich, white, and racist — which basically means he has forfeited his rights.”
Several other organizations are getting ready to protest the expected seizure of Sterling’s property, but they’re probably high on something and forgot that the old prick has enough money already, so why not relieve him of some of it?