The following is a translation of a draft of Obama’s response to Putin that will be printed in the Russian newspaper Izvestia, sources say. The translation was provided by Richard Omega, The Dandy Goat’s adept in-house linguist, translator and interpreter.
Dear Mr. Vladimir Putin,
I will hereby deliver a ghoulish retortal (?) to your printed venomosity from September 11, 2013.
I would be tickled with all-consuming delight if you (or I? not clear) would kindly seal your (or my? not clear) frontal orifice with a long-lasting adhesive that is both waterproof and resistant to any and all heat you (or I?) might attempt to expel.
With utmost respect,