Draft of Obama’s response to Putin — in Russian

This is a photograph of a discarded draft of Obama’s letter that was purportedly retrieved from a White House dumpster.

The following is a translation of a draft of Obama’s response to Putin that will be printed in the Russian newspaper Izvestia, sources say. The translation was provided by Richard Omega, The Dandy Goat’s adept in-house linguist, translator and interpreter.

Dear Mr. Vladimir Putin,

I will hereby deliver a ghoulish retortal (?) to your printed venomosity from September 11, 2013.

I would be tickled with all-consuming delight if you (or I? not clear) would kindly seal your (or my? not clear) frontal orifice with a long-lasting adhesive that is both waterproof and resistant to any and all heat you (or I?) might attempt to expel.

With utmost respect,