WASHINGTON — Former Ebola Czar Ron Klain, who last fall was chosen by the Obama administration to lead efforts against the disease, has returned to the nation’s capital and is camped outside the White House with staffers from the Imperial Ebola Guard who are demanding his restoration.
Klain’s 130-day reign ended abruptly in February after President Obama forced his abdication, as per the contract for short-term federal employees. Also, the threat of an Ebola outbreak in the U.S. had apparently subsided.
“Fear not, members of Congress and cabinet-level secretaries,” Klain said. “Your health shall be spared as long as you vacate your seats and pledge your allegiance to me, your legitimate ruler, for I alone possess the secrets to protect the nation against Ebola.”
Czar Klain is flanked by dozens of loyalists — mostly temporary staff and disgruntled employees of the Centers for Disease Control — who have been calling for a total restoration of the Ebola Czar and an end to constitutional rule.
“His Imperial Majesty Ron Klain did not choose to be Ebola Czar,” said Peggy Bamstrooch, who in October was sent by Washington-area temp agency Minute Staffing as a data entry clerk for the Ebola-prevention program. “He answered a calling and was given the throne.”
Obama is said to be watching the scene via CCTV, waiting for other czars to arrive with their armies, all of whom are also claiming to be the rightful leader. These include Clinton-era Drug Czar Barry McCaffrey, who for the last 15 years has been living in exile in Costa Rica while assembling a force of retired DEA agents, and Eric Keroack, who served under George W. Bush as Birth Control Czar and who claims to have the secret to reducing the rate of teenage pregnancies. After what is expected to be a short battle between the competing czars and their armies, Obama will likely appoint a Czars Czar to lord over the some 30 other czars currently serving his administration.