Democrat in tight race stumping in giant condom box

Colorado Democrat Mark Udall - condoms - spoof, parodyDENVER — Colorado senator Mark Udall has been giving speeches while wearing a giant box of condoms, a move his aides say emphasizes the Democrat’s strong support for women’s reproductive rights. The one-term incumbent is facing a tough challenge from Rep. Cory Gardner, a conservative Republican the Udall camp warns will limit access to contraceptives and remove condoms from supermarket shelves.

In a speech in Boulder on Friday, Udall said he feared Gardner and the GOP don’t understand what contraceptives mean to the country.

“Our forefathers and foremothers fought long and hard against the British to be able to produce their own condoms,” Udall said. “Because back then, there was a huge tax on latex rubber, so before the Revolution, those brave men and women had to resort to using scratchy things they found in the forest.”

“Fellows, if you think putting on a rubber today is an inconvenience, then you’ve never slipped on a condom made out of chewed tree back, a little sap, and a handful of pebbles,” he said. “As a former Outward Bound instructor and survivalist, I know about these things, not only because I’ve taught them, but I’ve lived them.”

“Cory Gardner says he’ll let you keep your rubbers, and your diaphragms, and your pills, and your implants, and what not, but I don’t believe him, not for a second,” Udall said as the crowd of his supporters began to cheer. “What can I say? He looks like the type of guy at a party you’d catch digging through your dresser drawers, trying to get his hands of your stash of birth control pills, just so he can judge you, you see, and then he’s like, ‘Oh, how about I just take these off your hands — forever.’”

“And he’ll be able to do that if he gets elected, because senators can do whatever the fuck they want,” he said. “But I’ve always kept my hands away from you private things, haven’t I, Colorado?”

“I don’t trust the guy,” Udall added. “He looks like he stepped right of a 1950s commercial for breakfast cereal.”

In an interview with the Denver Post last week, Udall said if he’s re-elected on Nov. 4, he will thank his supporters by having them over at his place for some contraceptive-themed snacks and a private viewing of a Gloria Steinem documentary.

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