WASHINGTON — Panic set in Wednesday morning as residents of the nation’s capital realized that Republican lawmakers were destroying the city, the country — and maybe even the world. With the federal government closed, people across Washington came to the stark realization that life is cruel, that they are alone and that no one can hear their cries.
Congressmen escaped mobs of angry citizens on the steps of the burning Capitol building Tuesday night, stopping only to deliver a few words to famished journalists. The lawmakers were then whisked away to underground bunkers in Virginia where they frantically tweeted, often mistyping hashtags, leading the nation’s tweeters wondering why #shutdown had suddenly become #shitdown.
Meanwhile, most Washington residents began preparing for dark times that could last many more hours or even days. By noon Tuesday, the city’s best restaurants had been booked for the rest of the year, and many government employees found themselves bored at home — so bored, they resorted to peeping into their neighbors’ Georgetown homes to scoff at the decor.
The city’s numerous homeless residents have been quiet about the shutdown, confirming many lawmakers’ suspicions that homeless people don’t even really exist.
Outside of Washington, the effects of the shutdown could be seen far and wide. Because the Department of Education is closed, standardized test scores from the nation’s 99,000 public schools have plummeted. Without the FDA’s approval for new drugs, many Americans have resorted to taking dangerous and cheap herbal remedies. NASA, the federal space agency, indicated that any American astronauts remaining in space are now on their own.
The most telling signs of the government collapse are national parks, which are reported to have been overtaken by ruffians, bandits and horny teenagers intent on finding a place to park their cars. Also, without park rangers to shoot them, millions of grizzly bears are terrorizing inhabitants who live near Rocky Mountain National Park, demanding, among other things, stores of honey.