Cosby accusers begin arriving in time machine

Cosby accusers arriving in time machineSaying they had no choice but to go 40 years into the future in search of justice, a dozen time-traveling women arrived in New York on Thursday to accuse comedian Bill Cosby of committing sexual assault on them in the 1960s and early 70s.

“Enlightened people of the future, this may sound unbelievable, but we were all drugged and molested by that Cosby fellow from ‘I Spy’ and ‘Fat Albert,’” said one woman as she emerged from the time portal wearing a red pant suit, her brown hair feathered. “Could you lend us a dime to call the police?”

In 1974, the women, most of whom were aspiring actresses, met each other through mutual contacts in the entertainment industry. It wasn’t long before they discovered a horrible truth: Cosby had committed the same wicked act on all of them.

“We talked about what we should do, if we ought to go to the authorities, or maybe have our brothers rough [Cosby] up” said Candy Goodman, 32, a voice actress still wearing the bright green polyester jump suit as the day she disappeared. “But we knew the police would throw us out of the station, or worse, accuse us of being indecent.”

Experts agree that times were different back then. In the 1970s, women were expected to stay home at night, and to socialize with males only if they were relatives. If a woman accused a man of forcing himself on her, she would be just as likely to find herself thrown in jail on prostitution charges. In some cases, a woman who accused a man of rape would be sent to live in a convent in a place like New Hampshire. The woman’s family would be ruined, and they would have to start a new life out West.

In January of 1975, the 12 victims made a solemn pact: they would pool their resources to design and build a functional time machine to transport themselves to a future when rape allegations were taken seriously, and when women were not admonished simply because they accepted invitations from a much older man to repeatedly go into his bedroom and take mysterious red pills that made them lose consciousness.

Showing technical skill uncommon among women of the period, the group succeeded, and on July 23 of that year they stepped into their time machine and said goodbye to the unsympathetic world they knew.

Cosby victim Beverly Lang, a 23-year-old who starred as an extra in “The Towering Inferno,” said the voyage through time was fast and exhilarating, but really disorienting. She said she’s looking forward to seeking justice for the man who promised to grant her stardom, but instead took advantage of her trust. She also said she’s excited about being able to teleport herself to the trial, and to cruise around New York City in a flying taxicab.

“I assume they’re all parked on high-rise rooftops, or maybe today is a no-fly day,” she said. “Am I correct, future people?”

Phyllis Baker, a Chicago waitress who had the misfortune to have gone out with Cosby in 1969, said that her experience was traumatic, but she will be happy as soon as he is behind bars.

“To the people of the future, we thank you for taking our claims seriously, and we’re thrilled to have reached the year 2014 without being atomized,” a tearful Baker said to reporters. “If only the people of 1974 weren’t so wholly unsympathetic and backwards, we would have immediately pressed charges against that creep, and he would have been sitting in prison these last 40 years.”

Ross Nussbaum, who has appointed himself as the group’s lawyer, says many other women who weren’t physically capable of taking the rough voyage through time will soon be coming forward as well. Sources indicate these women were cryogenically frozen and hidden in a refrigerated warehouse in Minnesota, waiting for the right moment to be thawed out in order to give their testimony to compassionate prosecutors.

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