In an effort to streamline higher education, dozens of colleges and universities are replacing most departments with large incinerators capable of quickly burning students’ money.
Instead of losing half a decade going to classes, studying and taking exams, a student can now attend college for a single day, during which she feeds into a furnace the cash equivalent of all the tuition and fees she would normally pay for a degree. After a faculty member has certified the furnace is free of combustible dollar bills, a dean awards the student a diploma.
The Sarah Lawrence money incinerator, one of the first in the nation, can burn a wheelbarrow of bills worth a quarter of a million dollars — the approximate price of a degree from the school — in about six minutes.
The American Association of College and Universities is lauding the move, saying today’s students should not be burdened by four years of useless mandatory classes in their quest to totally waste large sums of money.
“This way, students can dedicate their time to other, more productive things, like learning a proper skill set, or starting to work on the bottom rung of a company where they can actually see how money is made,” said Regina Boyles, the association’s spokesperson.
Education Secretary Arne Duncan says the government fully supports the shift from a traditional classroom approach, and it will offer special, low-interest student loans for anyone participating in money-burning degree programs.
“Let’s say a student named Carla wants get a linguistics degree in order to become a restaurant manager,” Duncan said. “In the past, she would have to waste precious years before she could fully dedicate herself to actually learning how to run an eatery, but now, she can burn her money and graduate in a couple of short hours.”
“Also,” Duncan added, “under this program, individuals graduating high school can immediately start paying off their student loans, which in the long term will save them money in interest payments.”