Cocaine sales to cease after capture of drug lord

El Chapo Guzman arrest, capture 2014 MazatlanGUADALAJARA, Mexico — Following the capture of Mexico’s most elusive drug lord, all major cartels announced they would immediately cease their operations, saying drug trafficking was “just becoming too risky.”

Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman, head of the large Sinaloa cartel, was arrested in the resort city of Mazatlan, on Mexico’s Pacific coast. His capture is said to be the final chapter in the joint U.S.-Mexico war on drugs.

“You win, because effective today, we’re going to stop producing and smuggling cocaine and other drugs,” said Ismael “El Mayo” Zambada, Guzman’s business partner. “We’re all really scared of being sent to prison, to tell you the truth.”

As news of Guzman’s arrest spread across the world, heads of other cartels said they, too, were closing up shop to avoid trouble with the police.

“It’s time for us to throw in the towel,” said a source from Los Zetas, one of Mexico’s other major cartels. “If the police can get to El Chapo, even with his crazy mustache disguise, they can get to all of us.”

Even if the major drug cartels had not decided to exit the stage, it’s likely they would have few customers left to whom they could sell their product. All over the world, casual users as well as addicts say they are going to kick the habit, thanks to Guzman’s arrest.

Mark, a self-described “cokehead” from Toronto, says the capture has made him understand that cocaine is illegal, and that by purchasing it, he’s supporting the violence inherent in the drug trade.

“All of us who take coke have had our fun, but it’s time we moved on to other leisurely pursuits,” he said. “Not only will giving up drugs save us money, but our health will benefit in the long run, too.”

Roberta Donaldson, an analyst for the U.S. Drug Enforcement Agency, says Guzman’s arrest was the result of decades of cooperation between the United States and Mexico, millions of man-hours, as well as more than a trillion dollars that have been spent combating drug trafficking.

“In the end, we got our man,” Donaldson said. “The so-called War on Drugs is over.”

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