LARAMIE, Wyo. — Vying for the support of a quiet but ever-growing voter demographic, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton delivered a campaign speech on Monday to residents of a morgue in this sleepy Rocky Mountain town.
“In all of his 494 appearances on network television, my opponent Donald Trump has not once mentioned you, and that’s because he doesn’t even know you’re alive,” Clinton told an estimated 24 unanimated voters who were wheeled into a refrigerated vault for the event. “He’s more concerned with chasing hot asses than reaching out to frigid hands.”
Clinton went on to explain that she shares many affinities with those in attendance, pointing out that in 1998, at the height the Monica Lewinsky scandal, she went 17 days straight without taking a single breath.
“You may not know this, but we have a lot in common,” she said. “Proclivity for stiffness, absent or weak pulse, a tendency to look blankly at the wall when confronted with physical contact.”
Laramie bartender Frank Tadwick, 54, whose uncle Ronald passed away last week at the age of 89, says that Hillary Clinton is the only candidate with a body temperature his uncle can relate to.
“Donald Trump struts around in the winter wearing a $1500 Brooks Brothers overcoat, shivering like any other jerk with a functioning hypothalamus,” Tadwick said. “Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton could go days locked in a cold storage unit, and that’s important for Uncle Ronnie.”
Francesca Hernandez, 42, chief mortician at South Wyoming Medical Center and organizer of the event, believes that the former senator and secretary of state had the requisite temperament to stand firm in the arena of international conflicts.
“In a staring match with Vladimir Putin, Hillary Clinton will never blink first,” Hernandez says. “And that’s because Secretary Clinton doesn’t blink at all.”
Among other promises designed to win the deceased vote, Clinton says that she’ll push for free headstone upgrades for every late American regardless of citizenship status, and that she’ll order the Department of the Interior to take over the maintenance of all cemetery grounds.
“You might not be able to speak,” Clinton said to stifled applause. “But I can still hear you.”