Chaos broke out in Washington just after midnight last night as the federal government officially shut its doors and put up signs saying, “Sorry, but we are closed till who knows when.”
Tea Party anarchists quickly took over the city while unpaid federal authorities watched impotently from the sidelines.
The hooting mob gathered near the Capitol building, attracted by the thrash metal that boomed from the speakers of thousands of mud-covered trucks that roared in en masse. While some of the anarchists disguised themselves in offensive Native American costumes — reminiscent of the Boston Tea Party of 1773 — many were shirtless, proudly showing off their tattoos and self-inflicted wounds.
The mob quickly grew to a large number, but since no authorities were available to count, a precise number cannot be given. After an hour of whooping and hollering on the steps of the Capitol building, they went on to raise hell all around the city, overturning the cars of foreign ambassadors, urinating in the Potomac River, and eventually setting up camp outside the White House where they rode loud motorcycles in a fearsome circle while shouting things like “yeah, uh huh” and “whoooo.”
Senator Ted Cruz (R–Texas), whom many say is to blame for the disintegration of the government, tweeted an invite to all Americans to join the revelry.
“Let’s do it. Shut this place down,” shouted one anarchist from Utah who claimed to be a former congressman named Mike. “Destroy power.”
“Free, we’re free,” said an anarchist from Kentucky who calls himself Randy Rand.
“This is awesome,” said a woman who resembled former Alaska governor Sarah Palin. She then began removing articles of clothing.
President Obama even tweeted about what he was witnessing, calling the frightening scene outside the White House like something out of the movie “Escape from L.A.”
Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-Calif.) sent a tweet from her suite at the Ritz around three in the morning after a gang of Tea Party anarchists had apparently taken over the hotel.
Authorities in nearby states expressed fear that the anarchists would spill outside of Washington, bringing with them an unprecedented number of kitschy t-shirts of airbrushed bald eagles. However, by dawn most of the anarchists had gone home. A few remained scattered around the D.C. area, passed out near the Lincoln Memorial or huddled around camp fires on the National Mall.
Experts fear that more chaos could erupt later today when more people realize that nothing works and no one is in charge.