ABUJA, Nigeria — Saying they are fed up with the sissies in office who refuse to act, a group of American celebrities has travelled to Nigeria to rescue up to 300 girls who were kidnapped last month by the terror group Boko Haram.
Costumed in military gear and trendy camo accessories, the singers, actors and television personalities will parachute into a remote area in the northeast part of the country. Using intelligence gathered from Wikipedia and Google Maps, the group will search for the camp where the girls are being held. Once the location is confirmed, they will unleash an arsenal of platitudes to overpower Boko Haram militants.
The group consists of a least a dozen A-listers, and according to the website TMZ, it is being led by a powerful media figure who goes by the cryptic alias “O.”
“Those pussies in office are pretending to cry their eyes out about these girls, but has anyone dispatched special forces?” O said in a statement. “Can’t the president spare a few drones to find out where the hell these pedos are hiding, and then blow the crap out of them?”
“And don’t even get me started about [Nigerian president] Goodluck Jonathan,” O said. “Speaking of little girls, I didn’t know they were allowed to be president of Nigeria.”
One celebrity commando named Ashton reports that the entire rescue team participated in a grueling two-day training seminar at a desert hotel in Palm Springs. Among other skills, they were taught how to make a fire using a bad script as tinder, and also how to use the name Krav Maga to impress and intimidate others. They also learned a handful of expressions in Hausa, a language widely spoken in northeast Nigeria.
“Mu tahi kasuwa,” Ashton said. “That’ means, ‘Where is the toilet?’”
“No, no,” he added. “It means, ‘Let’s go to the market.’”
While some rescue team members worry about being outmatched by Boko Haram, both in terms of numbers and weaponry, most of the celebrities know self-righteousness and a large Twitter following are enough to defeat the bad guys.
“We’re going in there, and we are going to bring back your girls,” said one group member named Ellen. “That sounds good, new hashtag, everyone: #GonnaBringBackYourGirls.”
Although only a dozen celebrities will take part in the actual raid, others will be on call in case the mission goes sour. TMZ reports Beyonce will be relaxing at a spa in Nigeria’s capital Abuja, iPhone in hand, ready to support the rescue team with a barrage of tweets.