CDC warning students not to sleep with new girl


CDC warning students not to sleep with new girl BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — The Centers for Disease Control is warning students at Morgan Peppercock High School not to have sex with Laura Mishler, a recently transferred junior from Landry School District in Harrington.

In a bluntly worded statement delivered in an assembly on Friday, Dr. Scott Bennett, who heads the CDC’s Teen Sexual Safety Program, said that while Mishler doesn’t seem like the type of girl who gives it up to any guy who asks, looks can be deceiving.

“That chick has totally been around,” Bennett said. “One of our top researchers heard that she fucked at least three guys from the Harrington High wrestling team, like, in the same night.”

When a male student asked if he might approach Mishler simply to welcome her to the school, Bennett threw his arms in the air.

“That shit’s nasty, bro, and if you touch it, your dick will fall off,” Bennett said. “Based on preliminary studies, we believe that you’ll catch gonorrhea just by looking at her for too long, okay?”

“In short, I wouldn’t fuck her with your dad’s dick,” he added. “Any more questions?”

In an email sent after the assembly, Principal Carol Bachmann assured parents that she and her staff are taking every measure to protect students from Mishler’s skankiness, saying that Mishler will subjected to daily medical exams and will be punished for smiling too much or wearing tight shirts — or any behavior that might be construed as suggestive.

“As education professionals, our first concern is for the safety and well-being of our students, so you can rest assured that this nasty ol’ slut ain’t going nowhere near your cherub-faced boys,” the email says.

As of Friday morning, Mishler still had not shown up for her first day at the new school, prompting her future homeroom teacher Brian Lopez to suggest that she was probably busy sucking off the homeless men who congregate up the street.

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