News from around the world where -- much to our great shame and discomfort -- the U.S. still runs the show
INDIANAPOLIS — The nefarious Russian agents who published hundreds of fake internet news articles to undermine the 2016 U.S. elections and hand the presidency to Donald Trump are remarkably skilled at writing like Uncle Ron, an out-of-work machinist from Indiana, it has been confirmed.
“It’s uncanny how much this Moscow-sponsored article linking hundreds of mysterious deaths to the Clintons contains the same misspellings and grammatical errors as those in an email Uncle Ron sends the whole family about once a year,” said niece Rachelle, 25, who studies Slovenian folk dancing at Purdue University. “Those Russians have totally mastered how write like an average Midwesterner who dropped out of school at age 16 to work in a parts factory.”
After years of training to be able to copy the syntax and diction of Uncle Ron, 42, the Russians likely spend months following InfoWars, the Drudge Report, and Indianapolis talk-radio host Kevin Landon — known to WVPQ listeners as “The Freedom Guy” — as the fake news articles that undoubtedly tipped the outcome of the election are sprinkled with references to all three.
Not only have the Russians learned how to write in the same style as Uncle Ron, but they have mastered his idiosyncratic rules of capitalization and seemingly random punctuation use.
“Who else writes that the Clinton Foundation is ‘a global Syndicate of pedo’s and Crook’s; who’s real Master is Agenda 21’ (sic) except for Uncle Ron?” niece Rachelle said. “Very astute Russians hellbent on putting a former game show host in the White House, that’s who.”
Uncle Ron, who has been unemployed since 2013 and blames his misfortune on the cabal of bankers and globalists who run world, the Clintons chief among them, has coincidentally boasted about his “citizen reporting” and last year purchased the web domains usapatriotinfo.net and clintonnewsreport.us, both of which have since been shut down after being threatened with a libel suit.
A language expert working for the Nathaniel Dubbles Institute has confirmed to the Dandy Goat that Russian president Vladimir Putin is responsible for a spate of so-called “fake advice pieces” ostensibly written by syndicated columnist Jeanne Phillips.
Cecilia Pawlak, a 66-year-old retired kindergarten teacher from New Jersey, was the first to notify authorities that the content of the “Dear Abby” columns appearing in her local newspaper, the Tewksbury Tribune, had for several days been uncharacteristically mean-spirited and clumsily worded.
Local police turned the investigation over to the FBI, who went on to discover that for weeks and in newspapers all across the country, Phillips’s actual advice had been replaced by the writings of an imposter.
The agency soon determined that hackers inside Russia got into the servers of dozens of U.S. print newspapers and news sites, ensuring that the fake replies to readers who had asked for help would be printed instead of the actual, helpful ones approved by Phillips’s editor.
“For weeks, I thought that my beloved Dear Abby had gone off the deep end, especially when she advised a depressed mother from Memphis to leave her family, quit her job, and begin a furious social media campaign to let the world know that Hillary Clinton was behind the 9/11 attacks and has the mark of the beast tattooed on her left buttock,” said Pawlak, a longtime reader.
Forensic linguist Paul E. Glossia, who specializes in Slavic languages and completed a PhD dissertation examining the Russian president’s awkward love letters to his ex-wife, Lyudmila, says he has “no doubt” that Putin himself composed all the fake “Dear Abby” replies, which as of today number at 28.
“Here’s a guy who was so bent on getting Donald Trump elected, he took time off from supervising military drills in Crimea to infiltrate our country and violate the most sacred of relationships in America, that between an advice columnist and her loyal readers,” Glossia said.
What remain to be determined, however, is if these forgeries really did influence the outcome of the U.S. presidential election. Look at the Oct. 17, 2016 “Dear Abby” column and decide for yourself.
The program, called “Helping Our Beleaguered Neighbours,” aims to give Canadian citizenship to as many as 400,000 Americans by the end of this year, with a further two million offered four-year visas to reside in the country until Trump loses his bid for reelection in 2020 — which observers are already predicting is inevitable.
“Just the other day, I was telling my wife we don’t have enough American friends visiting our peaceful country, and how it’s probably our own fault and that we should do something about it,” Trudeau said in a public address on Monday. “And now with the election catastrophe, we’ve got a darn good reason to make this happen, don’t you think?”
Along with access to universal healthcare, the right to purchase alcohol at age 19, and free classes with real Canadians to help newcomers understand the accent, an unmarried American who becomes Canadian will be paid as much as 12,500 CAD ($9320) simply for relocating to Canada, while a family of four could get as much as 45,000 CAD ($33,280). Applicants will be eligible for lucrative bonuses if they can demonstrate useful skills like blogging and using social media.
Brian Legentil, Canada’s Minister of Hospitality, lauds the program as a way to release pressure from a U.S. society that has become increasingly volatile and divided over the past few years.
“We don’t want pissed-off Americans to go and do anything crazy now, okay, because we’re stuck living next to you,” he said. “Why not come up here and take a breather? We’ve got lots of space, beautiful scenery, nice people and the best maple syrup on the planet.”
“In Canada, you can marry who you want, accidentally bump into a guy in a bar and not get shot, and eat french fries for breakfast, lunch and dinner without someone telling you it’s bad for your health.”
The program, which officially kicked off on Monday, is possible thanks to a seldom-used fund for resettling North American refugees that was originally established in 1861 and has been growing since then. The fund has accumulated so much interest, in fact, that some officials say that former Americans should be also be provided with electric cars, eco-friendly tiny houses, and even Xboxes.
In a ceremony at the Canadian Embassy in Washington on Monday, NYU film studies graduate and professional dog walker Taylah Sproules, 23, was the first American to be given Canadian citizenship under the new program.
“Thanks to the people of Canadia, I’ll no longer live in fear of roving gangs of Trump supporters driving around in BMW pickup trucks, waving assault pistols, shouting jingoistic slogans, and threatening to grab my sexual organs without my permission,” Sproules said as Canadian Ambassador Dave McNaughty pinned a maple leaf to her faded CBGB sweatshirt. “I’ll be able to get an MFA for free and have all the birth control pills I want without some male oppressor behind the counter saying, ‘Miss, you’ve got to pay for those.’”
Canadian citizenship will be granted to U.S. citizens on a first-come, first-served basis. However, applicants must first sign an affidavit certifying they did note vote for Donald Trump, and hospitality officials say that they retain the right to turn back any American who swaggers, manspreads, or uses impolite language. “We’ve got to be a little picky,” Minister Legentil said. “Sorry about that.”
PARIS — A spokesperson for the French police unit that investigates crimes against famous people is asking residents of the capital to keep their eyes open for a black bra that was stolen from superstar Kim Kardashian.
On Sunday, Kardashian, 35, survived a horrifying ordeal during which when five men dressed as police officers burst into her Paris hotel room and tied her up. After taking jewelry estimated to be worth $10 million, the robbers loaded the loot into the nearest large clothing item, which happened to be the bra.
“Ze breakers-in, ze men who aggressed Mme. Kardashian West, zey took her thing that supports the breasts,” said Lt. Jean-Louis Mantard of the elite Crimes Contre Célébrités (CCC) unit of the national police. “You know what I mean? They have stolen her boob harness.”
An Instagram post shows the dejected star mourning the loss of her favorite bra.
The report goes on to say that once the bra cups were laden, the leader of the gang threw the bra over his shoulder “like a continental soldier.”
Mantard says the crooks likely ditched the bra and that it might have been found by schoolchildren who would undoubtedly mistake it for a fishing net. He is also asking the public to look out for the top portion of Kardashian’s trousers, which are also believed to have been stolen, but probably in a separate incident days before the hotel robbery.