News from around the world where -- much to our great shame and discomfort -- the U.S. still runs the show

In memoriam: The Dandy Goat

The world of free online content is mourning the loss of a rising star. The Dandy Goat, which has published more than 800 articles since its launch in June of 2013 and was praised by readers as “lol” and “lmao,” has died following the institutionalization of its founder and publisher, Franklin J. Dubbles. Richard Omega, […]

Russians behind fake US news awfully good at sounding like Uncle Ron

INDIANAPOLIS — The nefarious Russian agents who published hundreds of fake internet news articles to undermine the 2016 U.S. elections and hand the presidency to Donald Trump are remarkably skilled at writing like Uncle Ron, an out-of-work machinist from Indiana, it has been confirmed. “It’s uncanny how much this Moscow-sponsored article linking hundreds of mysterious […]

Expert: Putin’s fake ‘Dear Abby’ advice swayed US elections

A language expert working for the Nathaniel Dubbles Institute has confirmed to the Dandy Goat that Russian president Vladimir Putin is responsible for a spate of so-called “fake advice pieces” ostensibly written by syndicated columnist Jeanne Phillips. Cecilia Pawlak, a 66-year-old retired kindergarten teacher from New Jersey, was the first to notify authorities that the […]

Fearful of Trump presidency? Canada paying big bucks for Americans to become Canadian

Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau has announced an ambitious plan to provide refuge to U.S. citizens who feel “morally or emotionally” endangered by a looming Donald Trump presidency. The program, called “Helping Our Beleaguered Neighbours,” aims to give Canadian citizenship to as many as 400,000 Americans by the end of this year, with a further […]

French police seek public’s help in finding Kim Kardashian’s stolen ‘boob harness’

PARIS — A spokesperson for the French police unit that investigates crimes against famous people is asking residents of the capital to keep their eyes open for a black bra that was stolen from superstar Kim Kardashian. On Sunday, Kardashian, 35, survived a horrifying ordeal during which when five men dressed as police officers burst into […]

Triumph for gender equality: Saudi Arabia approves 16 emoji for women

  Women in the conservative kingdom of Saudi Arabia are well on their way to enjoying the same rights as their male counterparts when it comes to hot new tech trends.   The Agency for the Promotion of Technology for Slow Persons, which oversees the use of computers and electronic devices by the kingdom’s estimated […]

Pope makes urgent appeal for peace in Brangelinastan

  VATICAN CITY — Pope Francis is asking the world’s one billion Catholics to pray for peace in the nation of Brangelinastan, which erupted into civil war earlier this week and has since dominated world headlines. “As Brangelinastan has been engulfed in the destructive fires of unrest, so too have the flames spread to every […]

Man seriously injured after letting rattlesnake in his ass hole

  PIEDRAS NEGRAS, Mexico — A 45-year-old farmer from the north of the country was rushed to the hospital earlier this week after sustaining injuries when he let a venomous snake enter his ass hole. The hole, a six-foot-deep covered pit that Fernando Diaz-Culo sometimes uses as a stable for his burros, measures forty feet in diameter […]

Grandmother earns $6.7 million by helping Nigerian prince

  OMAHA — A 74-year-old grandmother of six from Kearny has become rich overnight thanks to a generous Nigerian prince who had requested her aid in a financial matter. Beverly Gorkin, a retired librarian who has lived in this rural farming community all her life, was surprised last month when she received a personal email […]

French police order woman to take off burkini, but slowly

  Several officers from a French beach police unit have ordered a woman who was caught wearing a burkini — a type of full-body bathing suit, increasingly banned in many places — to remove it, but a little more slowly. “Madame, you are in violation of ze edict number 3945, which forbids neck-to-ankle beach attire […]

North Korea celebrates as country wins all Olympic medals

  PYONGYANG — Thrilled citizens of North Korea have taken to the streets in celebration of the country’s latest feat: yet again winning every medal at the Olympic Games. A total of 974 gold, silver and bronze medals were awarded to North Korean competitors at this summer’s games in Rio de Janeiro, beating the previous […]

Olympic mascot victim of savage attack

  RIO DE JANEIRO — Beaten, shorn and robbed. That is what happened early Friday morning to Vinicius, the lovable mongrel and Rio Olympics mascot, after a night of partying near Copacabana Beach, according to officials. A Souza Aguiar Hospital spokesperson says that the six-foot, 125-pound creature was left with multiple abrasions and fractures, and […]

Eww! Michael Phelps observed spawning after Olympic event

  RIO DE JANEIRO — Claiming that such behavior is a “biological imperative” and his “right as the holder of countless world records,” U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps was observed by judges and spectators on Monday spawning after competing in the 200-meter butterfly semifinals. The milky cloud that Phelps, 31, left in his wake in the […]

Outcry as ISIS forces prisoners to watch ‘Suicide Squad’

  Human rights groups are speaking out against the latest form of punishment carried out by the terror organization known as ISIS: forcing prisoners to watch the 2016 movie “Suicide Squad” — to death. On Monday, ISIS released a video of captives tied to seats in a room where the recently released blockbuster, which features a […]

Israel and US schmooze about Arabs and Indians

  Rabbi Irgun Kahane-Ariel, Israel’s Deputy Minister for Occupation Affairs, sat down with George Armstrong Winthrop, Acting Director of the U.S. Bureau of Indian Affairs, for their annual confab in Washington, D.C. A partial transcript of their conversation became available to the Dandy Goat. K-A: Shalom! “Ma nish” (What’s up?), my friend. Hey, did you hear […]

The Silence of the Lambs, starring Ronaldo and a moth

From Dandy Goat unpaid intern Richard Omega comes a new thriller about the Euro 2016 championship — guaranteed to frighten every Cristiano Ronaldo fan at their very core. One man, one moth, one impossible desire.

Britons horrified to learn vote was for real

  A very confused Britain woke up Friday morning to news that it had actually voted itself out of the European Union. Pensioner Trent Pare, 75, who voted to leave the EU, was out for a walk on Thursday when he saw his neighbors lined up, filling out what appeared to be tickets to win […]

Polish soccer hooligans try to start riot in wrong city

  PARIS — Polish soccer hooligans who had travelled to France for the Euro 2016 championship tried in vain to start a massive brawl before their team’s match against Ukraine, only to learn that the opposing team’s supporters were not present because the Poles were in the wrong city altogether. Tomasz N. says that he […]

ISIS just going to stand aside and let soccer fans kill each other

  Following days of rampant hooliganism and violence at Euro 2016, a spokesperson for ISIS — which had hoped to carry out attacks at the month-long championship — says the terror organization will instead just let soccer fans destroy each other. “Our plan was years in the works,” said Western European project coordinator Akmed al-Buttholi. […]

Nagasaki feeling burned over Hiroshima’s fame

As the Japanese city of Hiroshima prepares to bask in the glow of a US presidential visit — and deal with the fallout of what has become a political controversy in America as rumors abound that Barack Obama is planning to apologize for the dropping of the first atom bomb in 1945 — the occasion […]