Editorials, opinion pieces, letters, columns and other rants against how boorish we really are

In memoriam: The Dandy Goat

The world of free online content is mourning the loss of a rising star. The Dandy Goat, which has published more than 800 articles since its launch in June of 2013 and was praised by readers as “lol” and “lmao,” has died following the institutionalization of its founder and publisher, Franklin J. Dubbles. Richard Omega, […]

How could we have elected a man who doesn’t know about possessive apostrophes?

It’s going to take a lot of soul-searching to understand Trump’s ascendency to the highest office in the land. Some of it boils down to factors beyond our control: rising disillusionment with the so-called establishment, the fracturing of news into partisan info-spheres, and decades of failure from our educational system to produce intelligent voters capable […]

Sorry I caused a mess. Would a dick pic cheer you up?

Hey everyone, I just wanted to apologize about inadvertently providing the FBI with new evidence for the investigation into Hillary Clinton and her private server. Director Comey obviously has a personal agenda, but still, I hope that nothing bad results from all this, like someone who just last week was being crowned winner of the presidential race […]

Opposing views: I’m pumped for the debate vs. I’m pumped with meds for the debate

My friends ask me, Donald, are you ready for the debate with crooked Hillary? I say, I have never been more ready for anything in my life. I’m going for the jugular! She won’t know what hit her. KO, first round. She’ll be on the ground twitching, like this, looking like a gazelle that just […]

Enough is enough: let’s end cock-shaming

Another day, another story of a powerful, egomaniacal woman telling her stay-at-home husband what he can or cannot do with his own body. In this case, I was the victim, but this wasn’t the first or even the second time. It wasn’t even the 475th time. For countless years, I suffered daily spousal abuse. Practically […]

Help! I’m running for president and my body temperature is 10 degrees below normal

  Dear Advice Bot, I’m a 68-year-old presidential candidate and grandmother of one. I’m under a lot of scrutiny these days, and even the tiniest new wrinkle or little bit of dribble on my mouth can cost me big time. The other day while in bed, my husband called me frigid. Just as I was […]

On the question of human children tumbling into our enclosures: opposing views

Tiny humans equal big problems Young gorillas in zoos nowadays think that humans are our friends, and that despite their chemical stink, ear-splitting whines, and shriveled, hairless bodies, we could all live side by side, as equals. Just last week, I caught my own grandson waving an ice-cream wrapper to get the attention of a […]

North Carolina Bathroom Bill: Dandy Goat cartoon from May 10th, 2016

Dandy Goat cartoon from May 10th, 2016.

Enough humanitarian awards, just let me tongue Justin Bieber

As a women’s advocate, I have spent much — perhaps too much — of my young life fighting so that girls around the world may enjoy basic human rights: the right to education, equal treatment under the law, and the simple teenage pleasure of sucking face with a cute boy. Because I spoke out for these […]

Want to make America great again? Let’s start by improving our women

  Everyone keeps saying, “Donald, why are you always insisting that America is the best at everything. That gets on other countries’ nerves.” I never said that America is the best at absolutely everything. I didn’t. Technological innovation, military stuff, action movies, basketball, yeah, sure. We’re really good at all that. The best. Other countries […]

Taking down Confederate flags is not enough. It’s time we dug up the corpse of General Robert E. Lee.

We are at a turning point in history. Just as the pendulum of justice is finally swinging in the right direction, a tide of indignation is rising. In short, a maelstrom of metaphors is sucking us all in, forcing us to look one another in the eye as we swirl round and round. Given that […]

Drunk Uncle’s opinion: Yes, #OscarsSoWhite, and so what?

  Spike Lee and Jada Pinkett Smith are not pleased with the racial makeup of the 2016 Oscar nominees, so they are calling for a “conscientious absenteeism” — if I may offer a suitably puffed-up term — of the 88th Academy Awards. My first thought upon reading this news was, who cares? And then I […]

I’ve seen ‘The Force Awakens,’ and here are my 7 biggest gripes (spoiler-esque!)

Along with 50 other lucky people, I was chosen by some hackers to watch a pirated version of “Star Wars: The Force Awakens” in a Detroit squat. Yes, the movie is totally cool, and yes, I started sobbing three seconds into the opening sequence and I didn’t stop until my host put me in a […]

Long before Barbie, Raggedy Ann was promoting an unrealistic body image

Decades before Barbie led generations of young girls to believe that beautiful women had fixed elbows and breasts with no nipples, a simple rag doll was already promoting unrealistic standards of beauty. Ninety years ago, the popularity of Raggedy Ann was moving girls to take drastic measures to attain her simple, girl-next-door looks. While most people turned a blind eye to the epidemic of […]

The terrorists will not destroy our French way of life. Now would you kindly give me a blow job?

  As a French citizen and a firm believer in the values of the French Republic, my faith in secular democracy has been shaken at its very core by the savage attacks in Paris last week. There is no greater assault on a nation whose foundations are built on the concept of liberty than to […]

Help! My 5-year-old thinks he’s Julie Andrews

Dear Advice Bot, In a fit of desperation to calm down my hyperactive five-year-old son, I put on a DVD of “Mary Poppins.” It’s been a month, and I still can’t get him to stop putting on his mother’s dresses and serenading my umbrella with “ A Spoonful of Sugar.” Should I be concerned?   -Worried, […]

A Super Bowl halftime show that will go down in history

As a shark, I’m often told I have bad taste, especially when it comes to the arts. Admittedly, I’ll take a Michael Bay movie over a Wes Anderson flick any day. And maybe it’s because we sharks are colorblind, but I couldn’t tell the difference between a Picasso and a Van Gogh even if you […]

Hrthoz is good

My fellow inhabitants of Earth, be not afraid. Over the centuries, Hrthoz has been given many names. Lord of the Eternal Choom. Sage of Shikaakwa. Juris Doctor and Bestower of Many Gifts. These are titles truly befitting of Hrthoz, for Hrthoz is wise and benevolent. In the year of eight and two thousand, and again […]

You stupid, me smart

I’m not the egomaniacal, deceptive monster you think I am. Making the rounds on the internet is an unflattering video of me speaking at an academic conference, a place where great minds share the fruits of scholarship. To the uninformed viewer, one of my remarks may seem disparaging, as if I were suggesting American voters […]

Sexy Ebola Nurse costumes: we are woefully under-offended

by Joan K. Walsh  I realize you are busy working or taking care of your asthmatic kids, but I need a moment of your time to discuss a grave problem: our society’s failure to be adequately offended by a reprehensible new Halloween fashion. Look at this ad. What do you see? This is a photo of […]