Falling forward faster
Editor’s note: our in-house legal counsel has informed us that imitating someone’s signature, even for the purpose of valuable satire or obvious comedy, is illegal, constitutes forgery and could result in criminal charges. Therefore, let’s not equivocate: Chuck Hagel is an intelligent, rational man who is not addicted to opium. Also, he didn’t write this letter. Or if he did, that would be really weird and kinda creepy, don’t you think?
LEXINGTON, Mass. — Author Noam Chomsky has announced on his Facebook page that he is finally getting a job.
The linguist and outspoken critic of neoliberalism and U.S. foreign policy wrote that after spending nearly 70 years thinking about things, he is now ready to join the workforce to see what everyone means when they talk about concepts like wages, promotion and overtime.
“What’s ironic is that I’ve spent a lot of time developing elaborate criticisms of the ruling economic order, but I’ve never once had a job,” Chomsky said from his bedroom decorated with hand-drawn grammar trees and posters of punk music legends.
“I wonder if my arms even work,” he added.
Relatives have suggested Chomsky start filling out applications now because college students will be looking for summer employment as well.
Chomsky’s grandnephew Nathan contends the manager of Rancatore’s Ice Cream is a cool dude who might let Chomsky scoop ice cream part-time — as long as the 85-year-old gets a haircut, irons his shirts and promises not to ramble about American hegemony.
Family friend Andrea Gluckman thinks Chomsky should apply to local golf clubs.
“They’re always looking for busboys and dishwashers at Lexington [golf course] clubhouse,” Gluckman said. “And I’ll bet a lot of pretty coeds will be working this summer, too.”
Several family members have evinced frustration that it has taken Chomsky this long to show any interest in the world of work.
“We’re all proud of him for building these idealized, harmonious worlds in his critical little imagination,” said Chomsky’s daughter Aviva. “But you can’t do that forever. And who knows? A summer job could turn into a real career.”
Honest, dubious tweet courtesy of The Dandy Goat
Source: The Dandy Goat
In response to a full-blown strike by the Dandy Goat’s entire staff — who are brazenly demanding to be paid — the noble loiterer and unpaid doorman Richard Omega will be taking on all duties in regards to writing and editing articles. He has also been named art director and social media specialist.
I, Franklin Dubbles, will as usual represent The Dandy Goat in matters of business and publicity. We thank you for your understanding as we make this transition to a staff of but one lonely, dedicated scrivener.
Yours Faithfully,
Franklin J. Dubbles