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In memoriam: The Dandy Goat

February 1, 2017

RIP The Dandy GoatThe world of free online content is mourning the loss of a rising star. The Dandy Goat, which has published more than 800 articles since its launch in June of 2013 and was praised by readers as “lol” and “lmao,” has died following the institutionalization of its founder and publisher, Franklin J. Dubbles.

Richard Omega, the Dandy Goat’s chief writer, graphic designer, editor, social media coordinator and in-house legal counsel, says that in the absence of Dubbles, the closure was inevitable.

“Franklin was the heart, soul and gallbladder of the Dandy Goat,” Omega said. “Without him, we’re nothing but a snail without the mushy parts inside, just a shell. Or is it the other way around? Maybe he was the pretty shell and we’re the mushy parts.”

“Either way, we couldn’t go on without him,” he added.

Dubbles was known for his impeccable dress, unflinching certainty of his own moral and social standing, and a preternatural ability to talk at great lengths without actually saying anything. He launched the Dandy Goat more than three years ago as a vehicle to “push society forward on the right path towards real progress, if that makes any sense, which I suppose it doesn’t, but it sounds nice,” as he once said.

Those who knew Dubbles well say that he was obsessed with the idea that history could be nearly divided into two sides, the wrong side and the right side, and that he believed we had only a few more steps to go and we’d be located on the right side, forever.

“Franklin was convinced that everything would be so nice and sweet-smelling there on the right side of history,” Omega said.

Franklin J. Dubbles
Dandy Goat founder and publisher Franklin J. Dubbles, in better days.

Psychologists say that when in November a brash and wrong-thinking New York property developer was elected as U.S. president, Dubbles was struck by a bout of acute moral indignation from which even his firm sense of superiority could not protect him. He fell into a deep melancholy, barely able to make it to appointments with his stylist —or to brunches with likeminded friends.

And whereas he was once a luminary on social media, Dubbles found that he could he could no longer post rambling, self-righteous rants on Facebook, let alone tweet — as he was so fond of doing — in favor of trending hashtags created by activists.

“His tragic flaw was that he really had faith in the inherent goodness of people, of their willingness to follow him and other cultured intellectual fashionistas into tomorrow,” Omega said. “Sadly, this only set him up for catastrophic disappointment.”

A week after Election Day, Dubbles was sent to a private psychiatric hospital in upstate New York where he is expected to live out the rest of his days watching old episodes of Jon Stewert-era “The Daily Show,” taking fabulous selfies and posting them to an anonymous Instagram account, and writing a memoir about life among savages.

Richard Omega
Richard Omega, whose minor roles included chief content fabricator and graphic designer.

“Franklin was always so passionate about his own ideas, even if they struck others as vapid, but he still wasn’t afraid to voice them, and that’s what counts,” said dentistry model Iris Pearl, who dated Dubbles in the spring of 2012. “He’d happily take to the streets to march in favor of polyamorous interspecies relationships, or go on Twitter to call for a boycott of the Smurfs for promoting an unrealistic body image, if he sensed it was the next big thing.”

Ichabod F.N. Herstal
Ichabod F.N. Herstal, who still weeps to this day when he remembers his time writing for “The Goat”

In addition to Dubbles’ tireless work as the Dandy Goat’s publisher and Omega’s humble offerings as chief content provider, several contributing writers did help to give the publication its reputation as one that would essentially publish anything. Not least among these writers is Ichabod F.N. Herstal, who over the last few years wrote nearly 60 articles for the Dandy Goat. I.M. Salmon, a relative newcomer, saw 11 of his articles digitally printed in the distinguished pages of the website.

Omega says that if Dubbles were able to speak today, he’d probably offer a tearful thank you to the devoted readers of the Dandy Goat and urge them to never give up the fight against — whatever is currently out of fashion.

“And then he would go back to grooming his eyebrows, something which he truly enjoyed,” Omega said.

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Win this Charlie Hebdo: Dandy Goat caption contest

January 14, 2015

How to get a Charlie Hebdo - caption contestLast week, a few million copies of the Jan. 14 Charlie Hebdo were sent to newsstands, most of them in France.

You’re thinking: “How can I get a copy without catching an expensive last-minute flight to France and sleeping with some unctuous newsagent who smells of fermented anis, and has a name I can’t even pronounce?”

Here’s how:

Go to The Dandy Goat Facebook page and like it — er, us. Just click on the “like” button. On Sunday, January 18, we’ll post the contest photo, along with the official rules. In the comments section, type a funny caption. Just one comment per person, please, because we have but three eyes between the two of us.

On January 31, at noon EST, the comment with the most “likes” wins, and if you’re the winner, we’ll get in touch to arrange for our European office to send you our precious, mint-condition Jan. 14 Charlie Hebdo. We’ll also include original handwritten Dandy Goat memorabilia — which, if you hold on to it for 20 of 30 years, could fetch at least a couple bucks on eBay.

*If you don’t have a Facebook profile because you think you’re not interesting enough for the NSA to spy upon, we totally sympathize, but we don’t have any other way to organize this contest.

[UPDATED JAN. 18]

Eric Holder shaves off his mustache, revealing surprise

September 28, 2014

Eric Holder, the soon-to-be former Attorney General, has shaved off his mustache after 40 years of serious, tough-guy facial hair. What was he hiding all that time?

 

Eric Holder, no mustache, shaved
No mustache, no problem! Attorney General Eric Holder, without his mustache, revealing which goat really makes him feel dandy.

Leatherman releases new ‘Tough Guy’ multi-tool

July 29, 2014

Leatherman tool multitool spoof parody joke scrap of metal Available at specialty shops in August 2014

Letter from Senator John McCain to Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel

March 18, 2014

John McCain letter to Chuck Hagel funny spoof

 

Editor’s note: our in-house legal counsel has informed us that imitating someone’s signature, even for the purpose of valuable satire or obvious comedy, is illegal, constitutes forgery and could result in criminal charges. Thanks, but it’s a little late to be telling us that now, right? For what it’s worth, John McCain is a straight-shooting, hard-working legislator and he didn’t write this letter. Do you really think he writes his own letters, anyway?

 

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