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Rogue papermaker takes on 3-D printing

July 2, 2013

AUGUSTA, Ga.  – Don’t say that newer is better — at least not to Douglas Parrish.

Douglas Parrish in his backyard workshop
Douglas Parrish in his backyard workshop

The 35-year-old resident of Augusta’s Westover neighborhood is on a one-man campaign to show the world that the ancient art of papermaking has a place in a modern world of Blu-ray, hybrid cars and smart phones. He is so sure of his cause that he quit his job as an English teacher to pursue his passion full time.

Parrish, who until recently was a member of Augusta’s Paper Caper papermaking club, was expelled from the group because of what he calls his “rebellious, devil-may-care” approach the craft.

“When you think of papermaking,” he said, “most people think of creating pulp, spreading it on a framed screen to dry and removing it, the flat result of which can be written or painted on. But we need to get rid of that limitation.”

Parrish believes that the future is bright for papermakers like him who are willing to look outside the frame. He thinks papermakers can give 3-D printing a run for its money.

“A lot of media attention was given to that guy in Texas who published instructions how to make a gun with a 3-D printer,” Parrish said in his garage workshop. “Well you know what? I constructed a gun, too, but out of paper. I sculpted it from a quick-drying pulp made from secret ingredients. And you know what? My gun actually worked on the first try.”

The process

Parrish showed how he intends to take on companies such as MakerBot and FlashForge, whose 3-D printers can cost thousands of dollars. And he intends on doing it for a fraction of the price.

To demonstrate his craft, he put on a traditional papermaking smock (“for good luck, more than anything,” he explained) and created a pulp out of used newspaper inserts. He added a powder from a cereal box that he uses as a decoy in case of burglars. Although he wouldn’t divulge what was in the box, he said the ingredients were all legal “but difficult to obtain.”

After just a few minutes of work, Parrish produced this volleyball
After just a few minutes of work, Parrish produced this volleyball

As the pulp dried on a screen, he rolled it into a ball, letting it sit on a table for ten minutes before announcing  it was done.

“Voilà,” he said. “And that’s how you make a volleyball.”

The market for producing functional objects out of paper is limitless, he said. “From skateboards to desks. Even bottles, eventually. Goodbye, plastic.” When asked about computers, he said: “Well, we’ll leave microchips to others. But computer housing, sure, why not.”

One thing is certain: if the path to the future is through 3-D printing, Douglas Parrish will be there to pave the way in paper.

Snowden not lodging with Putin, aide says

July 2, 2013

Vladimir PutinClaims that Edward Snowden, the NSA leaker, has taken up residency in the Kremlin are “categorically false,” according to a Putin aide.

Since last Friday, rumors have been circulating Moscow that Snowden is bunking with the Russian president. Witnesses say the two men have been seen taking long walks in Gorky Park, having dinner in local restaurants and laughing with each other as they pass through the Kremlin’s formidable security gate.

“President Putin has a young relative visiting him,” the aide said when pressed for the identity of the Snowden lookalike. “Yes, this young man does resemble the fugitive hero Edward Snowden. And yes, this nephew speaks with an American accent. But that’s due to the nephew being a big fan of sitcom Big Bang Theory. Is just coincidence.”

Germany condemns US spying, asks US Embassy staff in Berlin to stay away from broken light fixtures

July 2, 2013

Angela MerkelEuropean leaders have rebuked the United States amid allegations it carried out surveillance against EU envoys in New York and Washington, D.C.

Steffan Seibert, spokesman for German Chancellor Angela Merkel, cautioned that it is important to wait until the allegations are investigated before action is taken. He then advised US Embassy staff in Berlin to “keep physical distance from” the light fixtures, even if they are emitting a barely-audible tone, seem to be broken or appear to have tiny cameras installed in them.

The European Commission joined the outpouring of indignation. “If these claims of spying are true, then our transatlantic ties will suffer,” spokeswoman Pia Ahrenkilde Hansen said. “Allies don’t spy on each other. They don’t peep on each other, not even a little bit.” She added: “Just one small piece of advice for American officials staying in the Sofitel Hotel in the Brussels city center. There’s no need to bring your own laptops. Hotel staff will provide you with one that you can return at your convenience. Free Wi-Fi included.”

Even Russia, a nation once known to have sophisticated surveillance devices in all of Moscow’s foreign embassies, condemned the US. “Times have changed,” said Kremlin representative Dimitri Peskov during a scheduled visit to Rome. “The Cold War is over. The days of massive spying programs are finished. We can only hope the Americans will grow up.” As he spoke, members of his security detail lingered near the entrance to the press room, brushing off from their sleeves what appeared to be lint. “And just something I forgot to say earlier to the reporters gathered here. If you have the sensation that little mites are entering your skin, don’t be alarmed. It is just the quality of [the] water in your hotel shower.”

The Onion’s international paywall: a surprise success

June 24, 2013

UntitledWhen the popular news satire organization The Onion modified its website in 2011 and demanded that overseas readers pay for content, many fans were skeptical.

“When I first got blocked because I had exceeded the number of free articles, I was like, what the bloody hell?” said Will Bryant, a longtime fan from London. “I thought it was a joke by the editors or something. Then when I saw that I’d hit a paywall and was now being required to pay to read The Onion, I said no way. Not when I’m used to getting it for free.”

Despite their initial reluctance to pay for a subscription, Bryant and millions of other international readers jumped on board and went along with the plan.

“You know, it just makes sense,” said Kristen Nantes, a professor at the Center for Media and Public Affairs. “What you have here is a news satire organization with a foriegn readership that is fiercely loyal, particularly because of the lack of similar sites. Fans need The Onion’s special brand of humor and they are willing to pay for it.”

The Onion’s paywall and online subscription service have been so successful, in fact, that many real news sites are following suit. The New York Time is just one of many to have used The Onion as a model. “The days of free premium content seem to be approaching an end,” Nantes said. “The Onion has proved this beyond a doubt.”

The Onion was created by two students at the University of Wisconsin in 1988. In 1996 it started publishing content on its website and has since been sold to a media conglomerate.

“It’s only like two pounds fifty a month,” Bryant said when asked if he thought the subscription was a good deal. “Which is a damn steal. I’d be willing to pay much more than like. Like, twenty times more.”

Former Italian PM sentenced for being a stereotype

June 24, 2013

Silvio BerlusconiRome – An Italian court convicted former Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi today of being a national stereotype. “Your need for exuberance is only surpassed by your unceasing and ferocious sexual appetite,” the panel of judges said. “This conforms so damningly to stereotypes of Italian men that we are obliged to convict you and hand down a prison sentence of seven years.”

Defense attorney Nicolo Ghedini argued that the court had not appropriately considered the “pure, youthful beauty” of the hundreds of women Berlusconi has taken to bed. Ghedini was quickly reprimanded by one judge who said he was “even more of a caricature” than his client. Ghedini then wildly waved his arms in the air before sitting and coolly crossing his legs.

In accordance with Italian law, Berlusconi will not begin his sentence until all appeals have been exhausted.

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