The most important news item, according to us

Fepubary is the new Movember

  Hoping to emulate the success of Movember, the charity fad that has raised millions of dollars for testicular cancer research over the last several years, bored activists in California have announced the inauguration of “Fepubary.” People who would normally shave or carefully trim their pubic hair for reasons of aesthetics, hygiene or sexual sensitivity […]

German woman clearly asking for it

  BUTZFELD, Germany — A woman in this sleepy hamlet in the northern district of Amburger-Elper has been walking around town asking for it, according to local men. “What gall to parade through the center of town where males are known to congregate,” said Jurgen Frankenbeinz, who has been mayor since 2009. “She thinks she’s […]

Syrian refugee with heartrending backstory also terribly horny

  A Syrian refugee living in Berlin who made a perilous journey to Europe after losing his entire family in his country’s civil war is nevertheless very horny. Muhammad, a 23-year-old former engineering student from Homs, was just beginning his studies in 2011 when fighting broke out. Two of his elder brothers who were conscripted […]

What are the hottest new cars for millennials?

  Frustrated by millennials’ lack of interest in buying cars, automakers plan to roll out a slew of new models aimed at appealing to today’s youth. These fresh four-wheeled offerings will arrive in showrooms later this year, and they’re certain to have the under-35 crowd flocking to dealerships from coast to coast. Buick Irony It’s a […]

Canadian farts craze takes over China

  While the most affluent residents of Beijing indulge in pricey bottles of imported Canadian mountain wind, most residents have few options to get relief from the heavy smog. Some buy plastic bags of cheaper — but often fake — Tibetan breezes, and the truly poor resort to sucking out pockets of trapped air from […]

The candidates’ childhood letters to Santa Claus

  What did the frontrunners in the 2016 presidential race want from Santa Claus when they were children? The Dandy Goat has obtained exclusive copies of the adorable letters they wrote. From Donald Trump:  From Hillary Clinton: From Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas): From Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-Vt.): From Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.):

Trump ‘close to assuming final form’

  A spokesperson for Donald Trump’s 2016 presidential campaign is asking the public to reserve judgment, saying that the candidate has not yet assumed his final, terrifying form. Deputy campaign manager Lorie Chradalsky says that in a few days, Trump will retire to his Manhattan penthouse where he will hang upside down from a wooden […]

What does ISIS really want? What these fighters say may surprise you.

While the media focus on atrocities committed by ISIS, few people are asking this question: what do ISIS fighters really want? Dandy Goat correspondent Abu Batsheet Quazi spent a few days in the Islamic State to find out. I want to raise awareness of [rare blood disorder] Wiskott-Aldrich Syndrome, in the hopes that we can get more funding to find a cure. -Abdullah, 28 […]

Social media giants to merge into world’s largest waste of time

  Delighting those who enjoy watching endless streams of photos and data flowing by a screen, several of the best-known social networking services have announced that they are merging to form the world’s largest waste of time. Starting in January, users of Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram will be automatically redirected to LifeDrain, an exciting new […]

Dyslexic ISIS cleric issues fatwa on Kirstie Alley

  Former “Cheers” actress Kirstie Alley was believed to be in hiding somewhere in California Tuesday night after the Islamic State issued a fatwa calling for her to be beheaded as an apostate. Friends of the actress say they are shocked and confused by the charge of apostasy because as to their knowledge, Alley, 64 […]

Gallup poll: majority of people lie to Gallup pollsters

According to results of a new Gallup poll released this week, a majority of respondents admit to lying or otherwise providing incorrect responses when contacted by the organization’s pollsters. Gallup asked 2,334 adults living in the United States if they had ever participated in one of the organization’s surveys, and if so, whether they had […]

French back to having non-stop sex

  PARIS — One week after terrorist attacks shook the city at its core, the inhabitants of Paris are heeding calls by political leaders and are again having passionate, non-stop sex. In an address to the nation on Friday morning, President Francois Hollande declared that French people may engage in pre-attack levels of explosive sex, […]

Alan Alda to tour Iraq with USO as ‘penance’ for ‘M*A*S*H’

  Veteran actor Alan Alda has announced that he will be touring Iraq this winter with the USO to entertain U.S. troops serving as advisers and embedded trainers with the Iraqi military fighting against the Islamic State. Friends and colleagues say the move is motivated by Alda’s guilt over his starring role in “M*A*S*H,” the […]

Yale to construct 500 padded ‘safe spaces’

  Following heated discussions between administrators and students who are demanding more emotional and intellectual coddling, Yale has announced the construction of 500 padded safe spaces. “These safe spaces are literal comfort zones, spots where students can escape the terrifying gauntlet of emotional triggers and disquieting classroom discussions,” said university president Peter Saliva. “The size […]

Expert: Ben Carson was never a doctor, and he didn’t grow up poor and black

  For decades, he’s told stories about beating the odds to become one of the world’s top pediatric neurosurgeons, but one expert says that newly discovered anecdotes are casting doubt on presidential candidate Ben Carson’s claims that he grew up poor and black — and that he was ever a certified doctor. Phineas Q. Gage — […]

Desperate, Bush campaign introduces ‘Jebel’

  GILFORD, N.H. — Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush has responded to sagging poll numbers and a lackluster debate performance by showing up at a fundraiser with a look that reflects his “outsiderness” and “devil-may-care attitude,” says his newly appointed campaign manager, L.A. tattoo artist and former hardcore band frontman Eric Roach. The new image […]

Nobel awarded to feminist bloggers for discovery of ‘nanoaggressions’

Two American bloggers have been awarded a Nobel Prize in social science for their work leading to the discovery of nanoaggressions — tiny acts of discrimination 1000 times smaller than microaggressions and invisible to the naked eye. The recipients, Wisconsin-based bloggers Tess T. Lehdi and Mandy Hader, first proposed the theory of nanoaggressions in 2012 […]

Move over Team America — Team Russia is new World Police

   Puppeteering duo Trey Parker and Matt Stone have announced that they are working on a sequel to their 2004 cult smash “Team America: World Police.” But to reflect changing geopolitical realities, this time Vladimir Putin’s resurgent Russia will be cast in the role of the clumsy but well-intentioned global terror-fighting heroes. “Team Russia: World Police […]

Hillary adopts new ‘goth’ look to appeal to youth  

Fearing that her popularity among young voters has fallen to a critically low point, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton has adopted a so-called “gothic” look to appeal to millennials whom her advisors describe as suffering from angst and alienation. “We were hemorrhaging support to that [expletive] hippie Bernie Sanders, so we put drab ol’ Hillary in […]

Hipsters encouraged to donate beards to refugees

  SEATTLE — In response to the hardships many refugee men face in growing and maintaining full beards, a Seattle-based organization is encouraging hipsters in the city to donate their facial hair. Any beards collected will be sent to refugee centers around Europe where volunteers will implant the hair in the faces of needy men […]