The most important news item, according to us

In memoriam: The Dandy Goat

The world of free online content is mourning the loss of a rising star. The Dandy Goat, which has published more than 800 articles since its launch in June of 2013 and was praised by readers as “lol” and “lmao,” has died following the institutionalization of its founder and publisher, Franklin J. Dubbles. Richard Omega, […]

Heartbreaking: teenager dies of shame in Santa’s arms

MEMPHIS — In a story that is almost too sad to publish, a shopping mall Santa Claus from Tennessee was able to hold a teenage girl on his lap for a few minutes before she died of shame. Christie Dirk, 13, was shopping at Oak Crest Mall with her parents and two younger brothers on […]

Expert: Putin’s fake ‘Dear Abby’ advice swayed US elections

A language expert working for the Nathaniel Dubbles Institute has confirmed to the Dandy Goat that Russian president Vladimir Putin is responsible for a spate of so-called “fake advice pieces” ostensibly written by syndicated columnist Jeanne Phillips. Cecilia Pawlak, a 66-year-old retired kindergarten teacher from New Jersey, was the first to notify authorities that the […]

Safety pin turns white hipster into Martin Luther King Jr.

NEW YORK — An online content manager who bravely decided to wear a safety pin has turned into Martin Luther King Jr., according to hundreds of witnesses. Seth Keating’s amazing transformation occurred on Thursday afternoon, moments after the 27-year-old read on Upworthy that displaying the small metal item on your clothes makes you a champion for […]

Fearful of Trump presidency? Canada paying big bucks for Americans to become Canadian

Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau has announced an ambitious plan to provide refuge to U.S. citizens who feel “morally or emotionally” endangered by a looming Donald Trump presidency. The program, called “Helping Our Beleaguered Neighbours,” aims to give Canadian citizenship to as many as 400,000 Americans by the end of this year, with a further […]

FEMA setting up safe spaces in areas devastated by election

The federal agency in charge of disaster assistance is setting up hundreds of emergency safe spaces around the country where residents traumatized by the presidential election outcome can find safety and psychological comfort. “These safe spaces are shelters where afflicted individuals can get free hugs, listen to soothing indie folk music with lyrics that reaffirm […]

Clinton to supporters: ‘Stay home on Nov. 8, I’ve got enough votes, thanks’

TAMPA, Fla. — Strutting across the stage in front of tens of dozens of supporters, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said that she is confident she already has enough votes to win the race — and that her supporters should not waste time venturing out to polling stations on Election Day. “You can all stay […]

A woman fat-shamed me on the subway. So I ate her.

There I was on the subway, minding my own business, when this skinny young thing who had been staring at me tapped my shoulder and said, “Excuse me, but I must confess that I cannot ignore your mass, which requires two seats, while two of me could fit snuggly into one.” Can you believe that […]

Tom Hanks starring as Harambe in upcoming biopic

  Animal rights advocates and Tom Hanks fans are eagerly awaiting an upcoming biopic about Harambe, the gorilla that was shot by Cincinnati zoo officials earlier this year after a three-year-old boy entered his enclosure. Directed by Hollywood veteran Ron Howard, “Harambe” stars Tom Hanks as the beloved silverback whose death sparked global outcry and […]

Bill Clinton impressed by Trump’s perving skills

  Former president Bill Clinton has weighed in on revelations that Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has exhibited appalling behavior toward women, including making sexually explicit comments as recently as 11 years ago, and socializing with scantily clad Playboy models in the 1990s. “I’ve got to say that I’m impressed by Trump’s blatant perving,” Clinton […]

Triumph for gender equality: Saudi Arabia approves 16 emoji for women

  Women in the conservative kingdom of Saudi Arabia are well on their way to enjoying the same rights as their male counterparts when it comes to hot new tech trends.   The Agency for the Promotion of Technology for Slow Persons, which oversees the use of computers and electronic devices by the kingdom’s estimated […]

The 7 stages of grief when a celebrity dies

  It’s never easy to cope with the intense and oftentimes conflicted feelings that hit you like a ton of Botox when a celebrity passes away. Psychologists from the Nathaniel Dubbles Institute have identified seven distinct stages of grief that most individuals experience when someone famous dies. Confusion: When you first learn of the shocking […]

Grandmother earns $6.7 million by helping Nigerian prince

  OMAHA — A 74-year-old grandmother of six from Kearny has become rich overnight thanks to a generous Nigerian prince who had requested her aid in a financial matter. Beverly Gorkin, a retired librarian who has lived in this rural farming community all her life, was surprised last month when she received a personal email […]

Hillary inches closer to flushing away turd left in White House toilet 16 years ago

  Buoyed by polls that show her in a strong lead over rival Donald Trump, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is expressing hope that she will soon be able to flush away a turd that she accidentally left in a White House toilet at the end of her husband’s second term. Clinton opened up to […]

Delta to bring back inflight flamenco

  ATLANTA — In an era of cost-cutting measures and cheap, electronic forms of inflight entertainment, at least one airlines is bringing back a classic live show.    Delta Airlines CEO Mark Flyerton has announced that starting in early 2017, the company will reintroduce its celebrated flamenco performances on all flights. Between takeoff and landing, […]

Report: something happened on Facebook in last four minutes

A new report suggests that something might have happened on Facebook in the last four minutes, and it goes on to advise Facebook users to go into conversation autopilot mode and promptly investigate your news feed. “Four minutes might not seem like a long time, but there are all sorts of events of great import […]

Outcry as ISIS forces prisoners to watch ‘Suicide Squad’

  Human rights groups are speaking out against the latest form of punishment carried out by the terror organization known as ISIS: forcing prisoners to watch the 2016 movie “Suicide Squad” — to death. On Monday, ISIS released a video of captives tied to seats in a room where the recently released blockbuster, which features a […]

Unrecognizable! ‘Bridget Jones’ star reveals shocking new look … again!

Giving a middle finger to critics who have been saying for years that she’s been rendered virtually unrecognizable after successive cosmetic surgeries, “Bridget Jones” star Renee Zellweger has drastically changed her looks … again! Zellweger, 47, was spotted on Friday by savvy Dandy Goat photographer Richard Omega while she was shopping in trendy Cabo San […]

Sisterly bonding: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen fuse

  Celebrity twins Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are now closer than ever, thanks to a rare but relatively harmless conjoining of the face and torso that has occurred during the last few months. The sisters revealed their new look at a New York political fundraiser party held by publisher Franklin J. Dubbles, who applauded them for […]

Price of ‘thoughts and prayers’ nosedives to all-time low

  In the wake of yet another highly publicized tragedy, the U.S. sympathy market has been flooded with condolences, both genuine and counterfeit, causing the price of thoughts and prayers to plummet to an all-time low. Walt Wisher, chief economist at the Dubbles Institute for Social Economics, says that a solid one-minute prayer is now […]