The most important news item, according to us
Christie Dirk, 13, was shopping at Oak Crest Mall with her parents and two younger brothers on Friday afternoon when her father, Derek, noticed that there was no line to visit Santa Claus. He ordered Christie and 7-year-old twins Christopher and Nate to sit on Santa’s lap for a photo — a family tradition.
What followed is truly heartbreaking.
Christie’s mother Julie later reported that her daughter’s face lost all color and that she nearly fainted.
“She kept repeating that she was too old, too old, too old to sit on Santa’s lap,” Julie said. “She looked at me with those big brown eyes and said, Mom, what if someone sees me? I’ll totally die.”
“And I didn’t listen to her,” Julie said. “I said, get your butt over there before your father gets angry.”
After the twins told Santa what they wanted for Christmas and it was Christie’s turn, that’s when she first exhibited signs of acute turpitudinem, a condition that while simply uncomfortable for most people, can be fatal for teenagers. The 13-year-old started trembling and her pupils became dilated.
As she was sitting on Santa’s lap with a blank expression on her face, two classmates from Maxwell Dunkirk Middle School walked nearby. According to several witnesses, the two snickering boys said, “Hey Christie, is that your new boyfriend?”
Erwin Ross, 62, who dresses up as the mall’s Santa every year, say that’s when Christie looked up at him with a mix of horror and contempt.
“She whispered something about being embarrassed and then she died, right there in my arms,” Ross says. “I didn’t even have time to give her a candy cane.”
Maxwell Dunkirk Middle School principal Lorenzo Hunter says that Christie was a promising young student who excelled at math and science, and who loved playing lacrosse. In her honor, the school is naming Dec. 19 as Christie Dirk Day. Every year on that date, every student will be required to wear a shirt with the last photo of Christie on it, the one her father took moments before she died.
“We need to make a serious effort to teach young people that it’s okay to sit on Santa’s lap and tell him what you want for Christmas,” Hunter said. “Christie might have died of shame, but she did it for a good cause.”
A language expert working for the Nathaniel Dubbles Institute has confirmed to the Dandy Goat that Russian president Vladimir Putin is responsible for a spate of so-called “fake advice pieces” ostensibly written by syndicated columnist Jeanne Phillips.
Cecilia Pawlak, a 66-year-old retired kindergarten teacher from New Jersey, was the first to notify authorities that the content of the “Dear Abby” columns appearing in her local newspaper, the Tewksbury Tribune, had for several days been uncharacteristically mean-spirited and clumsily worded.
Local police turned the investigation over to the FBI, who went on to discover that for weeks and in newspapers all across the country, Phillips’s actual advice had been replaced by the writings of an imposter.
The agency soon determined that hackers inside Russia got into the servers of dozens of U.S. print newspapers and news sites, ensuring that the fake replies to readers who had asked for help would be printed instead of the actual, helpful ones approved by Phillips’s editor.
“For weeks, I thought that my beloved Dear Abby had gone off the deep end, especially when she advised a depressed mother from Memphis to leave her family, quit her job, and begin a furious social media campaign to let the world know that Hillary Clinton was behind the 9/11 attacks and has the mark of the beast tattooed on her left buttock,” said Pawlak, a longtime reader.
Forensic linguist Paul E. Glossia, who specializes in Slavic languages and completed a PhD dissertation examining the Russian president’s awkward love letters to his ex-wife, Lyudmila, says he has “no doubt” that Putin himself composed all the fake “Dear Abby” replies, which as of today number at 28.
“Here’s a guy who was so bent on getting Donald Trump elected, he took time off from supervising military drills in Crimea to infiltrate our country and violate the most sacred of relationships in America, that between an advice columnist and her loyal readers,” Glossia said.
What remain to be determined, however, is if these forgeries really did influence the outcome of the U.S. presidential election. Look at the Oct. 17, 2016 “Dear Abby” column and decide for yourself.
Seth Keating’s amazing transformation occurred on Thursday afternoon, moments after the 27-year-old read on Upworthy that displaying the small metal item on your clothes makes you a champion for the rights of threatened minorities.
Keating found a safety pin in an office first-aid kit and attached it to his button-up shirt. He then sauntered to the kitchen to wash a mug and was met with gasps from coworkers. Two employees of the digital marketing firm Ampersand fainted while at least one intern shouted, “Speak to us, Dr. King.”
Trailed by now cheering supporters, Keating paraded to the senior manager’s office, where he proclaimed that, “No human being, regardless of race, ethnicity, or creed, should be held in such low regard as to have to produce vapid articles about integrated marketing day after day.”
News of the miracle quickly spread via social media, and within an hour thousands of members of threatened minority groups had gathered in front of the West 39th Street office building, hoping to receive Keating’s touch, which by then was said to heal almost any affliction.
Unfortunately, however, the sudden responsibility of acting as protector for so many frightened people was too great, and Keating suffered a nervous breakdown and was placed in psychiatric care.
“He just wanted to show that he was an ally — for racial minorities, members of the LGBTQ community, former Miss America contestants — for anyone who feels threatened by a Trump presidency,” said girlfriend Rachel Wood, herself a graphic designer at Ampersand. “He didn’t know a cheap gesture would turn him into the most iconic civil rights figure since Moses, and those are pretty large shoes to fill.”
Staff at Mount Sinai St. Luke’s say that Keating is recovering, but that he has not come to terms with having aged significantly, changed skin color, and become a Baptist minister. They do note, however, that he is enjoying his newly discovered talent for oratory and that he hopes to someday write speeches for Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-Mass.).
By Friday, a Change.org petition calling for November 17 to be dubbed National Seth Keating Day had received 394,000 digital signatures. At least one marble statue of Keating had been erected in an elementary school in Maine, and the U.S. Postal Service had announced plans to put the former online content manager on next month’s 47-cent stamp.
So inspired by the example set by her boyfriend of 14 months, Wood also began wearing a safety pin on the patchwork coat she bought on Etsy. She has consequently morphed into a cross between Rosa Parks and Harvey Milk, according to friends.
The program, called “Helping Our Beleaguered Neighbours,” aims to give Canadian citizenship to as many as 400,000 Americans by the end of this year, with a further two million offered four-year visas to reside in the country until Trump loses his bid for reelection in 2020 — which observers are already predicting is inevitable.
“Just the other day, I was telling my wife we don’t have enough American friends visiting our peaceful country, and how it’s probably our own fault and that we should do something about it,” Trudeau said in a public address on Monday. “And now with the election catastrophe, we’ve got a darn good reason to make this happen, don’t you think?”
Along with access to universal healthcare, the right to purchase alcohol at age 19, and free classes with real Canadians to help newcomers understand the accent, an unmarried American who becomes Canadian will be paid as much as 12,500 CAD ($9320) simply for relocating to Canada, while a family of four could get as much as 45,000 CAD ($33,280). Applicants will be eligible for lucrative bonuses if they can demonstrate useful skills like blogging and using social media.
Brian Legentil, Canada’s Minister of Hospitality, lauds the program as a way to release pressure from a U.S. society that has become increasingly volatile and divided over the past few years.
“We don’t want pissed-off Americans to go and do anything crazy now, okay, because we’re stuck living next to you,” he said. “Why not come up here and take a breather? We’ve got lots of space, beautiful scenery, nice people and the best maple syrup on the planet.”
“In Canada, you can marry who you want, accidentally bump into a guy in a bar and not get shot, and eat french fries for breakfast, lunch and dinner without someone telling you it’s bad for your health.”
The program, which officially kicked off on Monday, is possible thanks to a seldom-used fund for resettling North American refugees that was originally established in 1861 and has been growing since then. The fund has accumulated so much interest, in fact, that some officials say that former Americans should be also be provided with electric cars, eco-friendly tiny houses, and even Xboxes.
In a ceremony at the Canadian Embassy in Washington on Monday, NYU film studies graduate and professional dog walker Taylah Sproules, 23, was the first American to be given Canadian citizenship under the new program.
“Thanks to the people of Canadia, I’ll no longer live in fear of roving gangs of Trump supporters driving around in BMW pickup trucks, waving assault pistols, shouting jingoistic slogans, and threatening to grab my sexual organs without my permission,” Sproules said as Canadian Ambassador Dave McNaughty pinned a maple leaf to her faded CBGB sweatshirt. “I’ll be able to get an MFA for free and have all the birth control pills I want without some male oppressor behind the counter saying, ‘Miss, you’ve got to pay for those.’”
Canadian citizenship will be granted to U.S. citizens on a first-come, first-served basis. However, applicants must first sign an affidavit certifying they did note vote for Donald Trump, and hospitality officials say that they retain the right to turn back any American who swaggers, manspreads, or uses impolite language. “We’ve got to be a little picky,” Minister Legentil said. “Sorry about that.”