The States

News about the nation that was founded by President Franklin D. Roosevelt

Texas fetuses divided about Wendy Davis’s sneakers

July 2, 2013

Wendy Davis sneakers AUSTIN, Texas – Almost a week after Wendy Davis helped filibuster a bill that would restrict abortions after 20 weeks, fetuses across Texas remained divided about her now-famous shoes. Davis, a state senator from Fort Worth, wore bright pink sneakers during the 11-hour oration during which Senate rules forbade her from sitting. The sneakers garnered as much national attention as did Davis’s marathon speaking feat. While most journalists have applauded Senator Davis for both her resolve and her fashion sense, not all fetuses agree.

“I think she should have more respect for decorum,” one male fetus said. “This is the legislature of the great state of Texas, after all.”

“Cool, fun sneakers like that are going to become de rigueur for any lawmaker attempting a filibuster,” said one female fetus. “Any man spotted wearing boring loafers during a long speech to block a vote is going to get a lot of slack from the press.”

“All this attention on her shoes distracts us form the fundamental issues about women’s rights,” another female fetus said. “Who cares what her shoes look like? Is this the year 1965? What matters is her message.”

“I think her shoes have everything to do with it,” said another fetus whose sex had not yet become apparent. “Her obstruction of the vote on this bill was a mere physical feat, not a moral or intellectual one. I mean, did you hear her droning on and on? Wasn’t she reciting the names of all her school teachers at some point?”

“I agree,” another fetus with an unknown sex said. “Filibustering, admittedly an accepted parliamentary technique, is very anti-democratic. Senator Davis stopped a vote, and voting is the very essence of our political system.”

Another session on the proposed legislation is set for this week.

Alec Baldwin forgiven for homophobic tweets

July 2, 2013

Actor Alec Baldwin has been forgiven by the gay community, according to a statement by Nina Hyde, the community’s spokeswoman.

Baldwin came under fire last Saturday for writing that British journalist George Stark was “a toxic little queen.” Baldwin went on to tweet that he would put his foot up Stark’s posterior, but that Stark would “dig it too much.” Stark had written in an article that Baldwin’s wife was using Twitter while attending James Gandolfini’s funeral.

“We have concluded that Mr. Baldwin’s words do not reflect his real beliefs,” said Hyde, reading from a prepared statement. “Our decision, therefore, is to forgive him.”

The public has also been overwhelmingly supportive.

“I mean, it’s Alec Baldwin. Who cares what he tweets?” said Miguel Torremolinos, a photographer living in Manhattan. “He’s a cool guy. I know he supports a lot of good causes. He just had an outburst. Cut him a break. Someone insulted his wife.”

Carla Hu, a Pennsylvania psychologist who specializes in anger management, agrees.

“Yes, we must try to avoid language like Alex [sic] Baldwin used in his text message or whatever. But we have to consider his background before we level judgment. His father was a football coach, for crying out loud. Those environments tend to be very macho.”

Some experts believe that Baldwin may even avoid having to go on an apology-interview circuit. Rob Zender, a Professor of Media and Communications at George Mason University, says Baldwin’s near-miss with a public relations bomb reflects changing attitudes.

“Yes, I’m sure the Matt Lauers and Oprah Winfreys of daytime television would love for Baldwin to go on their programs and break down in a teary fit of contrition. But that’s not necessary anymore. The public nowadays is very tolerant of hateful language, as long as it comes from someone who presumably has a good heart.”

Backlash over celebrity chef’s slur

June 21, 2013

Celebrity chef Jamie Oliver has gone into hiding after a video surfaced of him saying the Y-word. The thirty-eight-year-old British chef and father of four was slated to appear yesterday at Culinaria NYC, the annual gathering of luminaries from the world of gastronomy. He was last seen fleeing the parking lot in a green SUV just hours before he was supposed to speak.

A video was uploaded to YouTube last week in which Oliver can be heard quietly saying the Y-word. The video was taken on a cell phone by an anonymous fan who was waiting in line to get Oliver’s autograph. Criticism of the chef has been wide and fierce, ranging from calls for a boycott of Oliver’s books to demands that his visa be revoked.

Oliver’s publicist says the video clip was taken out of context.

“It’s a mere fragment of a conversation and doesn’t include what preceded the utterance of Y-word,” Oliver’s publicist Francis Marks said early today. “Jamie is a very sensitive, mature individual and would have never used the word to disparage any one person or a group of people.” He noted that Oliver was not in hiding, but rather was getting some “breathing space.”

Many fans are outraged.

“What if my children had heard him saying those things?” said Melissa Goodwin, a Cleveland nurse and self-described foodie. “I mean, it’s not the 1970s anymore. You can’t go around saying the Y-word whenever you feel like it.”

Some of Oliver’s co-celebrity chefs have come to his defense. Emeril Lagasse wrote on Twitter:

Be strong Jamie, we all make mistakes. #jamieoliveryword. Your fans will stand by you.

HarperCollins, the publishing company that recently signed Oliver, has declined to comment on what its course of action will be.

NPR listeners unable to ignore tornado victim’s grammatical blunder

June 20, 2013

OKLAHOMA CITY, Okla. – While being interviewed for a local NPR affiliate, tornado victim Dwight Lundgren caused outrage with his disregard for correct English. “I never seen a tornado like this before,” he said, looking at the empty lot where his two-bedroom house once stood.

Listeners flooded npr.org just moments after the interview aired with comments ranging from mild annoyance to rage. “Is this real?” one listener wrote. “I mean, does the guy even know about the present perfect? Sickening.”

Later in the interview, Lundgren expressed shock over the twister, which devastated much of the city and left more than twenty people dead. “This happened twice before,” he said, “and it was unconceivable that it happened again.”

The interviewer, thirty-six-year-old Rachel Hawking, can be heard whispering “inconceivable” while Lundgren goes on to explain how the tornado also destroyed his truck. “I ain’t got nothin’ else,” he added.

“What’s happened in Oklahoma with the tornados and so on is sad,” one NPR listener wrote. “But can’t these people at least try to not sound like caricatures of Okies? I know, I know. They lost their homes and all that, but still.”

Hollywood actors protest stereotyping of Hollywood actors as the types who protest stereotypes

June 20, 2013

george-clooney Dozens of A-list Hollywood actors gathered yesterday in Los Angeles to protest what they call the “unfair stereotypes about A-list celebrities.”

The group, comprising actors such as Brad Pitt, George Clooney, Julia Roberts, and that guy from the 90’s sitcom about the tool salesman or whatever, have declared 2013 to be “The Year When We Say Enough Is Enough.”

“You watch our movies,” said one actor. “We make you laugh. We make you cry. We populate your weird fantasies about a hot-air balloon crash in the Andes. Yet Americans continue to stereotype us as the types of individuals who join trendy causes and protest stereotyping. Enough is enough.”