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The States

News about the nation that was founded by President Franklin D. Roosevelt

Drug lord escapes from high-security convention

December 9, 2016

Drug cartel boss escapes from high-security conventionLAS VEGAS — The FDA has launched a nationwide manhunt for one of the world’s most powerful drug lords who escaped from a high-security convention on Thursday.

Robert Pill, a lieutenant in the notorious Pfizer Cartel, was last seen around 10:30 a.m. at the Mandalay Bay Convention Center in Las Vegas before blending in with a tour group of retirees from Nebraska and sneaking out past security guards and event staff.

FDA agent Brad Vax, who spent four years in the Pfizer Cartel working undercover as a supply chain manager, says that Pill rose through the ranks by dazzling his superiors with his detailed knowledge of Latin American distribution networks.

“Pill has overseen the trafficking of Viagra to rural villages in Guatemala, which has led to an increase of violent uprisings in the countryside,” Vax said. “He’s also responsible for a ruthless advertising campaign in Colombia that resulted in more than 200,000 people who suffer from high cholesterol asking their doctors if Lipitor is right for them.”

Pill, who is 54 years old and stands at just over six feet tall, was in Las Vegas to deliver a speech to other major drug organizations about the need to streamline approval processes in emerging African markets in preparation for the next generation of cancer-fighting ALK inhibitors.

“If you see Robert Pill, don’t approach him, don’t speak to him, just contact the FDA and we’ll bring him back for the keynote address, which has incidentally been rescheduled for Friday at 2 p.m.,” Vax said. “He is known to carry dozens of Pfizer-branded items including pens and tote bags, and he’s not afraid to give them out to total strangers.”

This the second such escape in recent memory. In February, CFO Susana “Numbers” Ortega and research unit head Wes “FDA Approval” Wu — both high-ranking members of the GlaxoSmithKline Cartel — escaped while being transported to a pharmaceutical convention in Boston. They remain at large.

Russians behind fake US news awfully good at sounding like Uncle Ron

December 7, 2016

Russian behind fake U.S. news awfully good at sounding like Uncle RonINDIANAPOLIS — The nefarious Russian agents who published hundreds of fake internet news articles to undermine the 2016 U.S. elections and hand the presidency to Donald Trump are remarkably skilled at writing like Uncle Ron, an out-of-work machinist from Indiana, it has been confirmed.

“It’s uncanny how much this Moscow-sponsored article linking hundreds of mysterious deaths to the Clintons contains the same misspellings and grammatical errors as those in an email Uncle Ron sends the whole family about once a year,” said niece Rachelle, 25, who studies Slovenian folk dancing at Purdue University. “Those Russians have totally mastered how write like an average Midwesterner who dropped out of school at age 16 to work in a parts factory.”

After years of training to be able to copy the syntax and diction of Uncle Ron, 42, the Russians likely spend months following InfoWars, the Drudge Report, and Indianapolis talk-radio host Kevin Landon — known to WVPQ listeners as “The Freedom Guy” — as the fake news articles that undoubtedly tipped the outcome of the election are sprinkled with references to all three.

Not only have the Russians learned how to write in the same style as Uncle Ron, but they have mastered his idiosyncratic rules of capitalization and seemingly random punctuation use.

“Who else writes that the Clinton Foundation is ‘a global Syndicate of pedo’s and Crook’s; who’s real Master is Agenda 21’ (sic) except for Uncle Ron?” niece Rachelle said. “Very astute Russians hellbent on putting a former game show host in the White House, that’s who.”

Uncle Ron, who has been unemployed since 2013 and blames his misfortune on the cabal of bankers and globalists who run world, the Clintons chief among them, has coincidentally boasted about his “citizen reporting” and last year purchased the web domains usapatriotinfo.net and clintonnewsreport.us, both of which have since been shut down after being threatened with a libel suit.

Trump picks Candy McKitten as Secretary of Office

December 2, 2016

Trump picks Candy McKitten as Secretary of Office WASHINGTON — Saying that he cannot work in an environment full of women who are merely competent in their jobs, President-elect Donald Trump has chosen Washington-area hottie Candy McKitten, 22, as secretary of office.

“Candy’s got what it takes to serve as my secretary of office: a beautiful face, a gorgeous body that’s just stunning in professional attire, manicured nails, and at the interview she kept calling me Mr. T,” Trump said. “I mean, how cute is that?”

Sources say that McKitten is not only nice to look at, but she also does that thing where she absentmindedly traces the outline of her full lips with a pen while reading emails, which is just, oh man.  

Former Secretary of Office Bunny Godwin, 46, who served under President Bill Clinton from 1993 to 1995, says that few people realize how difficult it is to work for a demanding  president.

“You can’t just be any sweet ass with a smile to match,” Godwin said. “You’ve got to be totally dedicated to your role. Come in with torn stockings or a cold sore and bam — you’re gone.”

McKitten graduated from Virginia Community College with an associate’s degree in psychology, according to her LinkedIn profile. In high school she was a varsity volleyball player and was voted by her senior class as Nicest Pair of Legs. For the last three years she has been practicing yoga, which insiders say was the deciding factor in giving her the job.

Trump holding rallies ‘just like Hitler did,’ says friend who watched WWII documentary

December 2, 2016

Trump is Hitler, says friend
Nazi leader Adolf Hitler (left) and U.S. president-elect Donald Trump (right) have strikingly similar jawlines, according to experts.

Donald Trump, the nation’s recently ascended führerpreneur, has been holding victory rallies just like Adolph Hitler did in the 1930s, according to a friend who just last week watched the first part of a really good History Channel documentary about World War II.

“Look at Trump standing there on a stage, talking in a microphone while his supporters cheer like a bunch of Nazis,” said David McGovern, 28, watching a video clip of Thursday’s Ohio event. “That’s right out of the Hitler playbook, you know, say things that crowds want to hear, make them start clapping and whooping — some real Third Reich shit. Gives me the chills.”

“Look man, anyone with an elementary knowledge of history knows Trump’s next move will be to order his people to wear colored armbands so they can all recognize each other, then he’s going to make them swear allegiance to him,” McGovern said. “That is, if go with the example set by Hitler, which we should because he’s the most known and hated dictator in modern history, which makes my shaky claims all the more resonant.”

“And Steve Bannon is Goebbels, not that I’d expect you to know who Goebbels is, but if you watch this documentary, you’ll totally understand,” he added.

McGovern went on to predict that after his January inauguration, Trump will dispatch his brownshirts to beat up Vox readers, smash the windows of locally owned organic food shops, and make large, fraudulent takeaway orders to Mexican restaurants.

Editor’s note: After minutes of extensive Googling, we confirm that this article contains the first documented usage of the the word “führerpreneur,” which means that those letters, in that order, belong to us. Any unauthorized or otherwise uncredited use of “führerpreneur” will result in expressions of severe disapproval.

Trump names Chris Christie as secretary of steak

November 28, 2016

Trump names Chris Christie as secretary of steakPresident-elect Donald Trump served up his latest Cabinet appointment on Monday, announcing he had chosen New Jersey governor Chris Christie to be secretary of steak.

“Governor Christie, with his proven digestive tract record and an impressive appetite for reform, is the ideal candidate to oversee the country’s some 4500 chophouses, steakhouses, roadhouses, sizzlers and other eateries that specialize in grilled, broiled and pan-fried cuts of beef,” Trump said on Monday.

While the appointment of Christie — long seen as a dining establishment figure — is being applauded by moderates in the GOP and steakhouse waitstaff everywhere as a smart choice, more conservative Republicans are fuming.

“Do Americans really want the federal government telling them where to find the juiciest ribeye, when everyone knows that it’s Delmar’s Grill in downtown Houston?” said Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas). “We don’t need Governor Christie and unelected Washington bureaucrats telling us that tenderloins are the best cuts when folks around here know that t-bones are mighty fine.”

Sources predict that Christie’s first move will be to update the Department of Steak’s website so that more Americans will to able to easily find out where a man can get a decent dry-aged porterhouse around here. Also, Christie will likely implement new rules requiring steakhouses to provide comically oversized bibs to every adult who requests one, and to award t-shirts that say “I Ate The Biggest Cut” to any customer who finishes a 72-ounce steak and three side dishes in under an hour, according to sources.

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