The States

News about the nation that was founded by President Franklin D. Roosevelt

In memoriam: The Dandy Goat

The world of free online content is mourning the loss of a rising star. The Dandy Goat, which has published more than 800 articles since its launch in June of 2013 and was praised by readers as “lol” and “lmao,” has died following the institutionalization of its founder and publisher, Franklin J. Dubbles. Richard Omega, […]

Leprosy: the decisive edge for admission to elite colleges

To:      Exceptional High School Juniors From: Elite College Admissions (ECA) in Cambridge, MA. Subj:   The Fat Envelope Advantage Congratulations! You are receiving this e-mail message because you’ve scored 1550 or higher on the new SATs and maintained at least a 4.04 GPA. Are you still looking for that decisive edge that sets you apart […]

BuzzFeed sends intrepid reporter into dangerous world of Twitter to investigate terror plot

NEW YORK — Saying that no hashtag will be left unexamined, a senior BuzzFeed editor has sent cub reporter Ben Walker into the dark and dangerous world of Twitter to uncover the truth about a thwarted terrorist plot to attack a major European capital. “Kid, here’s 10 bucks to order a pizza,” international news editor […]

Heartbreaking: teenager dies of shame in Santa’s arms

MEMPHIS — In a story that is almost too sad to publish, a shopping mall Santa Claus from Tennessee was able to hold a teenage girl on his lap for a few minutes before she died of shame. Christie Dirk, 13, was shopping at Oak Crest Mall with her parents and two younger brothers on […]

‘Hamilton diner’ just going to order for whole table

WACO, Texas — A self-described “Hamilton diner” has taken it upon himself to ignore the wishes of everyone at his restaurant table and order for them. Chris Runsup, 34, who was tasked on Saturday with making a reservation at the Blue Mesa Grill for himself and 10 friends, explained to the waitress that he takes […]

Drug lord escapes from high-security convention

LAS VEGAS — The FDA has launched a nationwide manhunt for one of the world’s most powerful drug lords who escaped from a high-security convention on Thursday. Robert Pill, a lieutenant in the notorious Pfizer Cartel, was last seen around 10:30 a.m. at the Mandalay Bay Convention Center in Las Vegas before blending in with […]

Russians behind fake US news awfully good at sounding like Uncle Ron

INDIANAPOLIS — The nefarious Russian agents who published hundreds of fake internet news articles to undermine the 2016 U.S. elections and hand the presidency to Donald Trump are remarkably skilled at writing like Uncle Ron, an out-of-work machinist from Indiana, it has been confirmed. “It’s uncanny how much this Moscow-sponsored article linking hundreds of mysterious […]

Trump picks Candy McKitten as Secretary of Office

WASHINGTON — Saying that he cannot work in an environment full of women who are merely competent in their jobs, President-elect Donald Trump has chosen Washington-area hottie Candy McKitten, 22, as secretary of office. “Candy’s got what it takes to serve as my secretary of office: a beautiful face, a gorgeous body that’s just stunning […]

Trump holding rallies ‘just like Hitler did,’ says friend who watched WWII documentary

Donald Trump, the nation’s recently ascended führerpreneur, has been holding victory rallies just like Adolph Hitler did in the 1930s, according to a friend who just last week watched the first part of a really good History Channel documentary about World War II. “Look at Trump standing there on a stage, talking in a microphone while […]

Trump names Chris Christie as secretary of steak

President-elect Donald Trump served up his latest Cabinet appointment on Monday, announcing he had chosen New Jersey governor Chris Christie to be secretary of steak. “Governor Christie, with his proven digestive tract record and an impressive appetite for reform, is the ideal candidate to oversee the country’s some 4500 chophouses, steakhouses, roadhouses, sizzlers and other […]

Communist asshole dead at 90

Cheering crowds continued to throng the streets of downtown San Francisco into the early hours of Monday morning as they celebrated the death of outspoken communist loudmouth and renowned asshole Colin Kaepernick. Thousands of people of all ages waving American flags and popping champagne corks gave the thumbs-up sign to passing motorists who cheerfully honked […]

Expert: Putin’s fake ‘Dear Abby’ advice swayed US elections

A language expert working for the Nathaniel Dubbles Institute has confirmed to the Dandy Goat that Russian president Vladimir Putin is responsible for a spate of so-called “fake advice pieces” ostensibly written by syndicated columnist Jeanne Phillips. Cecilia Pawlak, a 66-year-old retired kindergarten teacher from New Jersey, was the first to notify authorities that the […]

Losing team demanding World Series trophy because they ‘had more total hits’

A manager for the American League baseball team that lost in the World Series earlier this month is demanding a recount to determine the real winner. “Sure, technically, the Chicago Cubs won four games out of seven, but we actually had the same number of runs during those seven games, 27 each — too close […]

Safety pin turns white hipster into Martin Luther King Jr.

NEW YORK — An online content manager who bravely decided to wear a safety pin has turned into Martin Luther King Jr., according to hundreds of witnesses. Seth Keating’s amazing transformation occurred on Thursday afternoon, moments after the 27-year-old read on Upworthy that displaying the small metal item on your clothes makes you a champion for […]

Fearful of Trump presidency? Canada paying big bucks for Americans to become Canadian

Canadian prime minister Justin Trudeau has announced an ambitious plan to provide refuge to U.S. citizens who feel “morally or emotionally” endangered by a looming Donald Trump presidency. The program, called “Helping Our Beleaguered Neighbours,” aims to give Canadian citizenship to as many as 400,000 Americans by the end of this year, with a further […]

FEMA setting up safe spaces in areas devastated by election

The federal agency in charge of disaster assistance is setting up hundreds of emergency safe spaces around the country where residents traumatized by the presidential election outcome can find safety and psychological comfort. “These safe spaces are shelters where afflicted individuals can get free hugs, listen to soothing indie folk music with lyrics that reaffirm […]

Party that nominated moody crime boss perplexed why campaign failed

Registered members of the political party that wittingly chose an unconvicted felon as its presidential nominee are demanding to know how they managed to lose the race to a tacky reality TV star who frequently makes spelling mistakes in his tweets. “It doesn’t make any sense,” says Joseph Puglia, 43, a physical therapist from New York. […]

Trump voter struck by awful realization 16-foot ladder taller than 15-foot wall

ALTOONA, Pa. — A longtime supporter of President-elect Donald Trump was said to have woken up from a post-victory slumber early Wednesday morning “extremely agitated” after realizing in a dream that an everyday ladder might be used to scale a border wall between the U.S. and Mexico. “What good is a 15-foot-tall wall with Mexico […]

‘I’m dying,’ says Clinton in last-ditch appeal

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is making a last-ditch effort to win the presidency by asking that it be granted to her as a dying wish.   “Many of you have already guessed that I’m not in the best of health,” she said in the two-minute video released moments before the polls closed on Tuesday. […]

Vox editor casually hands out cyanide doses to staff

NEW YORK — Fearful that a Trump presidency will usher in a thousand years of jingoism and irreversibly cripple Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, the editor of the left-leaning news publication Vox has casually handed out cyanide capsules to the eight writers present at what may be the final staff meeting. “So if Trump wins, […]