SIDE STORY

Leprosy: the decisive edge for admission to elite colleges

January 16, 2017

To: Exceptional High School Juniors

From: Elite College Admissions (ECA) in Cambridge, MA.

Subj: The Fat Envelope Advantage

Congratulations! You are receiving this e-mail message because you’ve scored 1550 or higher on the new SATs and maintained at least a 4.04 GPA.

Are you still looking for that decisive edge that sets you apart from tens of thousands of other applicants to Stanford, Harvard and Princeton? Your peers will be ladling soup at homeless shelters and collecting used toys for the Ronald McDonald House, but how many will have volunteered at a leper colony in India?

ECA had signed an exclusive agreement with the Agondi Leper Colony in Goa, India. Located on the Arabian Sea coast, the area is known for its white sand beaches, flora and fauna and kayaking. Your deluxe suite at the Taj Exotica Hotel (5 stars) is only a short, air-conditioned van ride from your one hour per day of service at the colony.

Because we are staffed entirely by Ivy League graduates, we know that admissions officers place a premium on essays that detail the HOW and WHY of your international experience, not only a description. We pride ourselves on writing college application essays that are indistinguishable from your own voice, and this allows us to convey your transparent commitment to caring about India’s underserved lepers.

Our foolproof essay includes a bibliography showing your immersion in the topic. And, to avoid a verbal faux pas while at the colony, we include a list of insensitive comments. Examples: “Lend me a hand,” “gimme some skin,” and any “pull my finger” jokes.

The politically correct and medical term for leprosy is Hansen’s Disease. But at ECA we still prefer “leper” because this works to your advantage. Agondi Colony patients are no longer infectious, but the stigma and ignorance surrounding leprosy means that unenlightened admissions officers will be bowled over by your intrepid courage and boundless empathy.

The committee will see an on-site video of you mingling with victims’ blindness, severed limbs, and hideous facial disfigurations. Squeamish being around crippling deformities? We can photoshop you giving Mother Teresa worthy embraces and shaking claw-like hands. In short, your application will wrench tears from the most jaded “We’ve Seen It All” officials.

Note: This opportunity is strictly time limited because only sixteen of the original 3,000 patients at Agondi are still alive, the youngest at 81 and the oldest 95. Bit by bit, we anticipate a precipitous drop-off to occur. Worse yet, the capacity now exists to eradicate leprosy worldwide, so act quickly.

Cost: $25,000 for two weeks, plus airfare. For an additional fee, side trips to Mumbai, New Delhi and Bangalore are available. Only twenty-five students will be accepted for Summer 2017.

For online application forms go to: ECA@LepCol.com

Note: Author I.M. Salmon is known in some circles as Gary Olson.

BuzzFeed sends intrepid reporter into dangerous world of Twitter to investigate terror plot

December 23, 2016

NEW YORK — Saying that no hashtag will be left unexamined, a senior BuzzFeed editor has sent cub reporter Ben Walker into the dark and dangerous world of Twitter to uncover the truth about a thwarted terrorist plot to attack a major European capital.

“Kid, here’s 10 bucks to order a pizza,” international news editor Karla Oakes told the 22-year-old Walker. “Take your iPhone into [fashion and culture editor] Allison [Schmidt]’s office, because she’s off sick today, and I want you to find out what really happened in Europe. Who was behind this plan? How did the police infiltrate the terrorist network? You wanted a chance to prove yourself, well, here it is.”

“Has anyone tweeted racist remarks about the incident?” she added. “Five million American millennials with only a passing interest in world events are counting on you.”

Exhausted and emotionally drained, Walker returned from Twitter four hours later after having glossed over nearly 6500 tweets, five of which he selected to be embedded in the hard-hitting, fact-laden 250-word article.

‘Hamilton diner’ just going to order for whole table

December 12, 2016

WACO, Texas — A self-described “Hamilton diner” has taken it upon himself to ignore the wishes of everyone at his restaurant table and order for them.

Chris Runsup, 34, who was tasked on Saturday with making a reservation at the Blue Mesa Grill for himself and 10 friends, explained to the waitress that he takes very seriously his duty as the group’s chosen representative.

“Ma’am, I recognize that most of us have voiced a desire for one of your signature blue margaritas, and others said they wanted an ice-cold beer,” Runsup said. “However, as a Hamilton diner, I must defy the wishes of the majority, for they know not what’s in their own best interest.”

“Water for everyone,” he added.

Amid grumbles of discontent from Runsup’s friends, the reluctant waitress returned with 11 glasses of ice water.

“I know that my decision won’t be popular, but it’s not my job to do what’s popular, but rather to do what’s right,” Runsup said. “For a starter, we’ll take six orders of your vegetarian flautas with creamy queso dip.”

“And give us each a plate of your Albuquerque chicken enchiladas, with black beans instead of pinto beans,” he continued. “I’ve had them before, and I know in my heart of hearts that everybody will enjoy them.”

“They’re spicy, but not too much,” he added.

Blue Mesa Grill owner Dawn Shepherd, 54, says that customers who make reservations generally don’t order for everyone in the dining party, but the right does belong to them.

“It’s written down, right there in our customer bill of rights,” she said. “But it’s mostly to protect children, as a safeguard against them ordering something they’ll think is yucky, or that might give them a tummyache.”

Drug lord escapes from high-security convention

December 9, 2016

LAS VEGAS — The FDA has launched a nationwide manhunt for one of the world’s most powerful drug lords who escaped from a high-security convention on Thursday.

Robert Pill, a lieutenant in the notorious Pfizer Cartel, was last seen around 10:30 a.m. at the Mandalay Bay Convention Center in Las Vegas before blending in with a tour group of retirees from Nebraska and sneaking out past security guards and event staff.

FDA agent Brad Vax, who spent four years in the Pfizer Cartel working undercover as a supply chain manager, says that Pill rose through the ranks by dazzling his superiors with his detailed knowledge of Latin American distribution networks.

“Pill has overseen the trafficking of Viagra to rural villages in Guatemala, which has led to an increase of violent uprisings in the countryside,” Vax said. “He’s also responsible for a ruthless advertising campaign in Colombia that resulted in more than 200,000 people who suffer from high cholesterol asking their doctors if Lipitor is right for them.”

Pill, who is 54 years old and stands at just over six feet tall, was in Las Vegas to deliver a speech to other major drug organizations about the need to streamline approval processes in emerging African markets in preparation for the next generation of cancer-fighting ALK inhibitors.

“If you see Robert Pill, don’t approach him, don’t speak to him, just contact the FDA and we’ll bring him back for the keynote address, which has incidentally been rescheduled for Friday at 2 p.m.,” Vax said. “He is known to carry dozens of Pfizer-branded items including pens and tote bags, and he’s not afraid to give them out to total strangers.”

This the second such escape in recent memory. In February, CFO Susana “Numbers” Ortega and research unit head Wes “FDA Approval” Wu — both high-ranking members of the GlaxoSmithKline Cartel — escaped while being transported to a pharmaceutical convention in Boston. They remain at large.

Russians behind fake US news awfully good at sounding like Uncle Ron

December 7, 2016

INDIANAPOLIS — The nefarious Russian agents who published hundreds of fake internet news articles to undermine the 2016 U.S. elections and hand the presidency to Donald Trump are remarkably skilled at writing like Uncle Ron, an out-of-work machinist from Indiana, it has been confirmed.

“It’s uncanny how much this Moscow-sponsored article linking hundreds of mysterious deaths to the Clintons contains the same misspellings and grammatical errors as those in an email Uncle Ron sends the whole family about once a year,” said niece Rachelle, 25, who studies Slovenian folk dancing at Purdue University. “Those Russians have totally mastered how write like an average Midwesterner who dropped out of school at age 16 to work in a parts factory.”

After years of training to be able to copy the syntax and diction of Uncle Ron, 42, the Russians likely spend months following InfoWars, the Drudge Report, and Indianapolis talk-radio host Kevin Landon — known to WVPQ listeners as “The Freedom Guy” — as the fake news articles that undoubtedly tipped the outcome of the election are sprinkled with references to all three.

Not only have the Russians learned how to write in the same style as Uncle Ron, but they have mastered his idiosyncratic rules of capitalization and seemingly random punctuation use.

“Who else writes that the Clinton Foundation is ‘a global Syndicate of pedo’s and Crook’s; who’s real Master is Agenda 21’ (sic) except for Uncle Ron?” niece Rachelle said. “Very astute Russians hellbent on putting a former game show host in the White House, that’s who.”

Uncle Ron, who has been unemployed since 2013 and blames his misfortune on the cabal of bankers and globalists who run world, the Clintons chief among them, has coincidentally boasted about his “citizen reporting” and last year purchased the web domains usapatriotinfo.net and clintonnewsreport.us, both of which have since been shut down after being threatened with a libel suit.