Leprosy: the decisive edge for admission to elite colleges

To:      Exceptional High School Juniors From: Elite College Admissions (ECA) in Cambridge, MA. Subj:   The Fat Envelope Advantage Congratulations! You are receiving this e-mail message because you’ve scored 1550 or higher on the new SATs and maintained at least a 4.04 GPA. Are you still looking for that decisive edge that sets you apart […]

BuzzFeed sends intrepid reporter into dangerous world of Twitter to investigate terror plot

NEW YORK — Saying that no hashtag will be left unexamined, a senior BuzzFeed editor has sent cub reporter Ben Walker into the dark and dangerous world of Twitter to uncover the truth about a thwarted terrorist plot to attack a major European capital. “Kid, here’s 10 bucks to order a pizza,” international news editor […]

‘Hamilton diner’ just going to order for whole table

WACO, Texas — A self-described “Hamilton diner” has taken it upon himself to ignore the wishes of everyone at his restaurant table and order for them. Chris Runsup, 34, who was tasked on Saturday with making a reservation at the Blue Mesa Grill for himself and 10 friends, explained to the waitress that he takes […]

Drug lord escapes from high-security convention

LAS VEGAS — The FDA has launched a nationwide manhunt for one of the world’s most powerful drug lords who escaped from a high-security convention on Thursday. Robert Pill, a lieutenant in the notorious Pfizer Cartel, was last seen around 10:30 a.m. at the Mandalay Bay Convention Center in Las Vegas before blending in with […]

Russians behind fake US news awfully good at sounding like Uncle Ron

INDIANAPOLIS — The nefarious Russian agents who published hundreds of fake internet news articles to undermine the 2016 U.S. elections and hand the presidency to Donald Trump are remarkably skilled at writing like Uncle Ron, an out-of-work machinist from Indiana, it has been confirmed. “It’s uncanny how much this Moscow-sponsored article linking hundreds of mysterious […]

Trump picks Candy McKitten as Secretary of Office

WASHINGTON — Saying that he cannot work in an environment full of women who are merely competent in their jobs, President-elect Donald Trump has chosen Washington-area hottie Candy McKitten, 22, as secretary of office. “Candy’s got what it takes to serve as my secretary of office: a beautiful face, a gorgeous body that’s just stunning […]

Trump holding rallies ‘just like Hitler did,’ says friend who watched WWII documentary

Donald Trump, the nation’s recently ascended führerpreneur, has been holding victory rallies just like Adolph Hitler did in the 1930s, according to a friend who just last week watched the first part of a really good History Channel documentary about World War II. “Look at Trump standing there on a stage, talking in a microphone while […]

Trump names Chris Christie as secretary of steak

President-elect Donald Trump served up his latest Cabinet appointment on Monday, announcing he had chosen New Jersey governor Chris Christie to be secretary of steak. “Governor Christie, with his proven digestive tract record and an impressive appetite for reform, is the ideal candidate to oversee the country’s some 4500 chophouses, steakhouses, roadhouses, sizzlers and other […]

Communist asshole dead at 90

Cheering crowds continued to throng the streets of downtown San Francisco into the early hours of Monday morning as they celebrated the death of outspoken communist loudmouth and renowned asshole Colin Kaepernick. Thousands of people of all ages waving American flags and popping champagne corks gave the thumbs-up sign to passing motorists who cheerfully honked […]

Losing team demanding World Series trophy because they ‘had more total hits’

A manager for the American League baseball team that lost in the World Series earlier this month is demanding a recount to determine the real winner. “Sure, technically, the Chicago Cubs won four games out of seven, but we actually had the same number of runs during those seven games, 27 each — too close […]

Party that nominated moody crime boss perplexed why campaign failed

Registered members of the political party that wittingly chose an unconvicted felon as its presidential nominee are demanding to know how they managed to lose the race to a tacky reality TV star who frequently makes spelling mistakes in his tweets. “It doesn’t make any sense,” says Joseph Puglia, 43, a physical therapist from New York. […]

Trump voter struck by awful realization 16-foot ladder taller than 15-foot wall

ALTOONA, Pa. — A longtime supporter of President-elect Donald Trump was said to have woken up from a post-victory slumber early Wednesday morning “extremely agitated” after realizing in a dream that an everyday ladder might be used to scale a border wall between the U.S. and Mexico. “What good is a 15-foot-tall wall with Mexico […]

‘I’m dying,’ says Clinton in last-ditch appeal

Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is making a last-ditch effort to win the presidency by asking that it be granted to her as a dying wish.   “Many of you have already guessed that I’m not in the best of health,” she said in the two-minute video released moments before the polls closed on Tuesday. […]

Vox editor casually hands out cyanide doses to staff

NEW YORK — Fearful that a Trump presidency will usher in a thousand years of jingoism and irreversibly cripple Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton, the editor of the left-leaning news publication Vox has casually handed out cyanide capsules to the eight writers present at what may be the final staff meeting. “So if Trump wins, […]

Former ‘Occupy’ leader reluctantly accepts job as bank teller

ROCHESTER, N.Y. — A former Occupy Wall Street leader who has spent the last five years trying to dismantle capitalism by subverting its exploitative wage system has reluctantly accepted a job as a teller for Bank of America. Marco Saleh, 27, was one of the original instigators of the 2011 Occupy movement in Manhattan’s financial district. […]

House approves bipartisan bill for Trump Aversion Therapy

  In an unusual show of unity, House Republicans joined Democrats in a 421-2 vote to pass the Trump Aversion Therapy Act, which would allocate $300 million towards the rehabilitation of Trump supporters using the controversial Trump Aversion Therapy technique. The measure’s sponsor, Rep. Richard Whiteman (D-Ohio), said the bill would provide cash incentives to […]

Poll: majority only watching debate to hear ‘cuntface’ said on national TV

A recent poll by the Nathaniel Dubbles Institute shows that the majority of Americans who are planning to watch Wednesday’s presidential debate are only doing so in hopes that the candidates will refer to each other as “cuntface.” While 53 percent say that hearing either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump say “cuntface” on national television […]

Clinton delivers rousing speech in morgue

  LARAMIE, Wyo. — Vying for the support of a quiet but ever-growing voter demographic, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton delivered a campaign speech on Monday to residents of a morgue in this sleepy Rocky Mountain town. “In all of his 494 appearances on network television, my opponent Donald Trump has not once mentioned you, […]

Massive water shortages as viewers rush to shower after debate

Officials in thousands of municipalities across the United States are reporting massive water shortages after much of the country felt compelled to shower after watching Sunday night’s debate between presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. The 90-minute debate, described by political commentator Ricardo Ultimo as “two squealing pigs crapping in the feeding trough to […]

Hurricane sending waves of giant fonts over parts of US

  Residents in coastal areas of the southeastern U.S. who remain in the path of Hurricane Matthew are reportedly being struck by waves of dangerously large fonts, with some measuring as many as 236 points tall. “I haven’t seen typeface this big since Hurricane Andrew in 1992,” said Daytona Beach resident Gus T. Wynd, 73, referring […]