Science & Tech

Dumbed-down articles about scientific breakthroughs and technology that you may fear but nevertheless have to learn to love -- that's called "progress," knucklehead

In memoriam: The Dandy Goat

The world of free online content is mourning the loss of a rising star. The Dandy Goat, which has published more than 800 articles since its launch in June of 2013 and was praised by readers as “lol” and “lmao,” has died following the institutionalization of its founder and publisher, Franklin J. Dubbles. Richard Omega, […]

Drug lord escapes from high-security convention

LAS VEGAS — The FDA has launched a nationwide manhunt for one of the world’s most powerful drug lords who escaped from a high-security convention on Thursday. Robert Pill, a lieutenant in the notorious Pfizer Cartel, was last seen around 10:30 a.m. at the Mandalay Bay Convention Center in Las Vegas before blending in with […]

Hurricane sending waves of giant fonts over parts of US

  Residents in coastal areas of the southeastern U.S. who remain in the path of Hurricane Matthew are reportedly being struck by waves of dangerously large fonts, with some measuring as many as 236 points tall. “I haven’t seen typeface this big since Hurricane Andrew in 1992,” said Daytona Beach resident Gus T. Wynd, 73, referring […]

‘Lives matter’ activists crushed by meteorite

OAKLAND, Calif. — Dozens of Bay Area protesters allied with the Black Lives Matter movement, along with members of an opposing group called All Lives Matter, were killed on Friday morning in a freak astronomical incident. The BLM activists had gathered outside police headquarters to protest the shooting of a dark-skinned man in rural Afghanistan […]

Triumph for gender equality: Saudi Arabia approves 16 emoji for women

  Women in the conservative kingdom of Saudi Arabia are well on their way to enjoying the same rights as their male counterparts when it comes to hot new tech trends.   The Agency for the Promotion of Technology for Slow Persons, which oversees the use of computers and electronic devices by the kingdom’s estimated […]

The 7 stages of grief when a celebrity dies

  It’s never easy to cope with the intense and oftentimes conflicted feelings that hit you like a ton of Botox when a celebrity passes away. Psychologists from the Nathaniel Dubbles Institute have identified seven distinct stages of grief that most individuals experience when someone famous dies. Confusion: When you first learn of the shocking […]

Report: something happened on Facebook in last four minutes

A new report suggests that something might have happened on Facebook in the last four minutes, and it goes on to advise Facebook users to go into conversation autopilot mode and promptly investigate your news feed. “Four minutes might not seem like a long time, but there are all sorts of events of great import […]

Eww! Michael Phelps observed spawning after Olympic event

  RIO DE JANEIRO — Claiming that such behavior is a “biological imperative” and his “right as the holder of countless world records,” U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps was observed by judges and spectators on Monday spawning after competing in the 200-meter butterfly semifinals. The milky cloud that Phelps, 31, left in his wake in the […]

Awww! Woman finds adorable Pokémon in alley next to own neglected children

  CROWN POINT, Ind. — Pokémon enthusiast and mother Jill Cakewalker, 36, says that she was “astounded” after Pokémon Go led her to an alley miles from home where she found her own children — whom she had forgotten to feed for a full three days after becoming obsessed with the hit game over the […]

Sisterly bonding: Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen fuse

  Celebrity twins Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are now closer than ever, thanks to a rare but relatively harmless conjoining of the face and torso that has occurred during the last few months. The sisters revealed their new look at a New York political fundraiser party held by publisher Franklin J. Dubbles, who applauded them for […]

Harambe the gorilla miraculously appears in Cincinnati sky

  Providing further evidence that there is life after life in captivity, on Monday thousands of residents of Cincinnati observed a cloud that strongly resembled Harambe, the gorilla killed by city zoo officials on Saturday after a child fell into the animal’s enclosure. Godwina Eamerson, a Briton who had travelled to Cincinnati for an international […]

‘Frankly, we don’t understand why all planes don’t crash,’ admit experts

  Aviation experts are opening up for the first time about airplane crashes, admitting that no one really knows how airplanes manage to stay aloft in the first place. They also admit being “totally stumped” as to why all aircraft don’t immediately plummet back to the ground after takeoff. “Whenever there’s a large commercial airlines […]

CDC warning students not to sleep with new girl

  BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — The Centers for Disease Control is warning students at Morgan Peppercock High School not to have sex with Laura Mishler, a recently transferred junior from Landry School District in Harrington. In a bluntly worded statement delivered in an assembly on Friday, Dr. Scott Bennett, who heads the CDC’s Teen Sexual Safety […]

Magnanimous reader bestows Facebook ‘like’ upon article

  In what’s being celebrated as an act of supreme beneficence worthy of a major humanitarian award, a discerning reader has bestowed a Facebook ‘like’ upon the author of a fascinating, in-depth article published on the internet. “The piece showed erudition and originality of thought, and its claims were delivered with a most engaging prose,” […]

Just awful! Texas billionaire spewing tons of carbon emissions out of his mouth

  The owner of a Texas oil company is showing just how little he cares for the environment. Rick McGowan, 64, who owns the Broad Stroke Oil Company, literally pollutes the air every time he breathes. The EPA has calculated that McGowan emits no less than one pound of carbon dioxide every day. That’s almost […]

North Korean leader shows off pocket-sized nuke

  PYONGYANG — Interest in the size of North Korea’s nuclear arsenal is growing after the regime’s state-run news agency released a video on Tuesday showing leader Kim Jong Un playing with a tiny missile purportedly fitted with a miniature nuclear tip. “My weapon may be small by Western standards, but it can destroy any […]

Mass chaos as autocorect malfunktions

The world was thrown into chaos on Monday as the biggest autocorect providers were shut down in an aparent attack by hackers. “Donut worry,” President Obama reassured the world in a press release. “Technihuns from the NSA and FBI are working to find a solushun.” “In the mean time, mite I sugest that everyone avoid […]

Tim Cook to unveil iJihad social media platform

Pushing back against FBI demands that Apple provide access to the iPhone of dead San Bernardino terrorist Syed Farook, Apple CEO Tim Cook is set to announce the launch of a new mobile terror platform, tentatively nicknamed iJihad, later this week. The platform will combine the best features of iMessage, Facebook and Dropbox to provide a […]

Man contracts Zika by having sex with mosquito

  HOUSTON — A libertine Texas man is the first confirmed case of the Zika virus being transmitted via sexual contact with a vector. The unnamed victim allegedly carried on a short relationship with a 42-day-old Aedes aegypti, also known as a yellow fever mosquito, according to the Texas Department of Health. “He met the […]

Giant shadow cast over Earth

  Observers from around the globe were surprised and saddened on Monday to find that a giant shadow had been cast over the Earth. As of yet, no one has been able to explain the source of the shadow, or predict when sunlight will return to normal levels of intensity. Shelby H. Bay, a self-trained […]