Power & Privilege

 

In an unusual show of unity, House Republicans joined Democrats in a 421-2 vote to pass the Trump Aversion Therapy Act, which would allocate $300 million towards the rehabilitation of Trump supporters using the controversial Trump Aversion Therapy technique.

The measure’s sponsor, Rep. Richard Whiteman (D-Ohio), said the bill would provide cash incentives to those willing to be rehabilitated.

Details of the therapy have not been released, but sources confirm the Trump Aversion Therapy (TAT) would include the administration of the nausea-inducing drug apomorphine while participants watch Fox News’s Sean Hannity, read stories on Breitbart News, and of course, view clips of Donald Trump’s campaign rallies.

Additionally, TAT snap bands will be distributed to program participants with instructions to snap their wrists while repeating the following phrases: Make America Great Again; she destroyed her emails; but what about Benghazi; but look at what Bill Clinton did; and, I’ll date her in ten years.

Sources say electroconvulsive therapy has not been ruled out, possibly being reserved for Trump’s female followers, clearly in the most need of help.

Rehabilitation measures will include sensory reattachment therapy. In this phase of the treatment, participants will dine on a gluten-free meal of sea scallops tartare, mushroom risotto, and grilled wild French turbot, while sipping a California sauvignon blanc, as they enjoy marathon viewing sessions of Rachel Maddow, Beyonce’s “Lemonade,” and a video feed of the Broadway hit “Hamilton.”

Rep. Bob Christian (R-Fla.), who co-authored the legislation, said, “We hope this will be seen as an olive branch to our Democratic peers,” and then added, “and if we have any hope of ever electing a Republican candidate again — someone who is likely more reprehensible but who hides it better — we need to rid the party of this undesirable, say-exactly-what-we’re-all-thinking type element.”

Bunny McGillicuty is a first-time contributor to the Dandy Goat

A recent poll by the Nathaniel Dubbles Institute shows that the majority of Americans who are planning to watch Wednesday’s presidential debate are only doing so in hopes that the candidates will refer to each other as “cuntface.”

While 53 percent say that hearing either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump say “cuntface” on national television is the only reason to endure the 90-minute event, 23 percent contend they will be watching in case Trump refers to his opponent as “Ol’ Ugly McShitstyle.” A further 17 percent say they will tune in because Clinton might address Trump as “Donald J. Smalldick.”

Massachusetts riding instructor Eleanor Jenkins, 43, says that she never watched televised debates in the past because they failed to excite her. However, this year she will have watched all three thanks to the increasingly juvenile playground taunts.

“When I was a little girl, I never thought I’d hear the next U.S. president call an opponent ‘a booger-eating freakazoid’ on television,” Jenkins said. “But now I have hope.”

The poll also shows that 12 percent of respondents are “quite certain” that during the debate Donald Trump will point at Bill Clinton and say, “That man is so dirty, when the waiter asks if he wants crabs, he grabs his crotch and says, oh no, not again.” Meanwhile, nine percent believe that Hillary will remark on how graceful and well-mannered Melania Trump is, before adding “considering that she’s a mail-order whore.”